Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Being a father
Not having a father growing up but having 4 step dads that left and my real father then dying at 12 has left me in a challenging spot when it comes to my children. It is unfamiliar territory for me when it comes to understanding how to connect with my children in a way that will let them know that I truly love them with my whole being.
When it comes to my daughter I just feel so powerless to connect in a way that I think she truly feels loved by me. I want her to be able to just spew every thought she has in her head to me without fear. I want her to be able to laugh with me, joke with me, or just sit with me.
I want her, when she is 20 to think, my dad loves me so much that any boy i have in my life has to measure up to that love. But I feel I am failing in this. Some days I find myself too short temepered. Other days I don't spend enough time with her.
The same goes for my son Joshua and Ethan. Joshua imparticular is a smart young boy who is so eager to learn. I feel as if I fail him by not being more of an inspiration. I don't want to write anymore.
Peace.
When it comes to my daughter I just feel so powerless to connect in a way that I think she truly feels loved by me. I want her to be able to just spew every thought she has in her head to me without fear. I want her to be able to laugh with me, joke with me, or just sit with me.
I want her, when she is 20 to think, my dad loves me so much that any boy i have in my life has to measure up to that love. But I feel I am failing in this. Some days I find myself too short temepered. Other days I don't spend enough time with her.
The same goes for my son Joshua and Ethan. Joshua imparticular is a smart young boy who is so eager to learn. I feel as if I fail him by not being more of an inspiration. I don't want to write anymore.
Peace.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Decisions
Oddly enough, after facing some catacalysmic days nearly 3 years ago up until about 6 months ago in various areas of personal and work life, my life is now at a point of continued interest. What I mean is having made various choices that caused much disruption in all aspects of my life I am now at a place where work is going well, my family life is going well, and my spiritual (however this is to be defined) life is going well.
There are a number of options that now lay before me. I could write a book, do schooling on the side, learn a new language, run a marathon, etc. but to be honest I kind of want to do all of them. What to do first is the big one for me. I am running regularly again and will aim for a half to full marathon in October. I think schooling on the side right now may not prove wise due to time and money. Learning a new language would be fun and keep the brain active. The one I wish I was able to do is the book. I have so many thoughts in my head but I am unsure which book to write. There is the auto-biographical narrative I have started but it seems daunting. It began as a concept surrounding my decision in 'Leaving Evangelicalism' but I am wondering if I would be better served in separating the concepts or simplifying my original idea into a more focussed auto-biographical narrative with fewer themes then I was originally intending.
Instead of writing the great American novel perhaps I should simply attempt a simple novel. Anyway, because I have never done this I am struggling with process and structure.
What is nice is having a clean slate to work from.
There are a number of options that now lay before me. I could write a book, do schooling on the side, learn a new language, run a marathon, etc. but to be honest I kind of want to do all of them. What to do first is the big one for me. I am running regularly again and will aim for a half to full marathon in October. I think schooling on the side right now may not prove wise due to time and money. Learning a new language would be fun and keep the brain active. The one I wish I was able to do is the book. I have so many thoughts in my head but I am unsure which book to write. There is the auto-biographical narrative I have started but it seems daunting. It began as a concept surrounding my decision in 'Leaving Evangelicalism' but I am wondering if I would be better served in separating the concepts or simplifying my original idea into a more focussed auto-biographical narrative with fewer themes then I was originally intending.
Instead of writing the great American novel perhaps I should simply attempt a simple novel. Anyway, because I have never done this I am struggling with process and structure.
What is nice is having a clean slate to work from.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Loose Change: An American Coupe
http://www.youtube.com/user/facing42#p/f/16/0omwIkfpmOs
This is part 1. Most of the parts are on Youtube but cna't find all of them.
I found a full version here. Looks pretty good.
http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/eHFAtL7ak70/
This documentary isn't my favorite and has, like the originals some factual flaws or issues that are not addressed.
This is part 1. Most of the parts are on Youtube but cna't find all of them.
I found a full version here. Looks pretty good.
http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/eHFAtL7ak70/
This documentary isn't my favorite and has, like the originals some factual flaws or issues that are not addressed.
Core of Corruption
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4874421830690006054
A well done documentary exposing newscasts that were not put on television, video footage, and evidence to help expose collusion on 9/11.
A well done documentary exposing newscasts that were not put on television, video footage, and evidence to help expose collusion on 9/11.
9/11 Evidence of Collusion
Arhcitects and Engineers for 9/11 Truth. Over 1100 Experts in their field plus thousands of others in various other fields of expertise.
Click on title to go to video.
Click on title to go to video.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Ignoring facts
Today, an individual, who in my life, has always been a person to try and make others feel less then what they are, including me, once again starts his assault on my views. He constantly takes what you may believe or think and tries to make it seem stupid even if you have facts or evidence. This sickness isn't exclusive to this person, of course, but he would be at the extreme left of others who are infected with the same virus.
In particular, today, I am once again accused of holding to views that he calls conspiracy theories, even when I can show the facts and information that move them from conspiracy theory to conspiracy fact. But the facts mean nothing as it often does with many people.
For me, this ignorance is due to fear and a desire to simply not acknowledge what is really occuring in our world because then the person becomes culpable for non-action. But what they don't realize is that non-action is an action and like the german people suffered for the actions of the nazis so to will those of us who allow those in leadership roles in governments and corporations to treat the inhabitants of this planet and the planet itself with contempt.
Because of the internet we especially have no excuse when it comes to understanding what is happening in the world on a global level in politics, religion, business, economics, wars etc. There is simply zero excuse. The world is hemorrhagging from the outright oppression of those in power, namely, the wealthy elite and those who rule under them, namely political leaders.
The banks, the corporations, the elitist families such as the Rockefellers, Rothschilds and others are draining us of our freedoms, our ability to succeed or creep our way out of a meager existance as they continue to plot ways in which they will drain us of our personal wealth via such routes as increased taxation.
So to those who call me a conspiracty theorist, please sit down with me and show me how my views are theory when I have facts to substantiate the claims. If you can I will change my views. (Sadly, this isn't a public forum lol....so those who call me that aren't able to read this!)
In particular, today, I am once again accused of holding to views that he calls conspiracy theories, even when I can show the facts and information that move them from conspiracy theory to conspiracy fact. But the facts mean nothing as it often does with many people.
For me, this ignorance is due to fear and a desire to simply not acknowledge what is really occuring in our world because then the person becomes culpable for non-action. But what they don't realize is that non-action is an action and like the german people suffered for the actions of the nazis so to will those of us who allow those in leadership roles in governments and corporations to treat the inhabitants of this planet and the planet itself with contempt.
Because of the internet we especially have no excuse when it comes to understanding what is happening in the world on a global level in politics, religion, business, economics, wars etc. There is simply zero excuse. The world is hemorrhagging from the outright oppression of those in power, namely, the wealthy elite and those who rule under them, namely political leaders.
The banks, the corporations, the elitist families such as the Rockefellers, Rothschilds and others are draining us of our freedoms, our ability to succeed or creep our way out of a meager existance as they continue to plot ways in which they will drain us of our personal wealth via such routes as increased taxation.
So to those who call me a conspiracty theorist, please sit down with me and show me how my views are theory when I have facts to substantiate the claims. If you can I will change my views. (Sadly, this isn't a public forum lol....so those who call me that aren't able to read this!)
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The journey of developing reasonably sound perceptions of the data processed
Every day I am challenged with the thoughts of figuring out the world around me. I see some of those I have mentored moving on to in depth studies of religious and philosophical idealogies using language that I struggle to understand as I have not studied their new found 'language'.
As I deviate to a more practical application of my energies I notice that my desire to continue my journey into discovering new 'languages' and thus more enlightened perceptions is still strong. In fact, I find myself hungering for the knowledge but my body is weary from work.
I struggle with learning the new 'languages' of my one mentoree, now friend, because I wonder if it is simply a waste of my time to delve into a language that for all intents and purposes I think should be dead and devoid of life.
The battle of religious perceptions; fundamentalist vs post-modern ideals; etc. How important is it to delve into these areas? How important is it to learn a language that only .1% of the population could even partially grasp? (To clarify, by language I am referencing any new terms and concepts that exist in a particular field of study or community. For instance, if one learns mathematics they have essentially learned a new language of communication. If someone else does not understand the 'language' of mathematics then a mathemetician cannot properly communicate with that person.)
I was asked the other day if to speak about intellectual matters is 'pretentious'. I pondered the thought and answered the next day, "Intent matters." Is the intent to flaunt ones knowledge or is it to earnestly dialogue about matters that are important? The answer would be divulged upon inspection of ones intent.
Pretentious dialogue I think is the complication of a matter through the use of intricate language that could be simplified with more common words of explanation. Giving leeway to the realization that certain terminologies embody much thought in one word in order to shorten the long sentences utilized in a conversation.
I am not here, in this existance, to learn a language in order to flaunt that language over others. I exist to find a language from where I can communicate love in a rational, intelligent way to those in my community. If my language separates me from my community then perhaps I need to find an outlet to share my thoughts while doing my best to help others understand my particular 'language' and its development.
Language, for all of us has been established through our environmental upbringing, namely our culture, society, family and experiences (which are all intertwined). Our language is not indpendant of exterior influence. In fact our language is predominately influenced by such engrossing and dominating stimuli. There can be no such concept within our present cultures of a language uninfluenced by the prior mentioned ascendencies.
We, as individuals, are the result of our communal circles and thus our language will always be influenced by those communal circles. There is no escaping this reality. There is no possible way of regressing to a state of zero knowledge and rebuiliding our language inconspicuous of an a priori of communal influence.
So what is the issue for me? If the above is true, which I believe it to be, based upon my present understanding of reality, then my said interpretation of an universal actualization is limited by my belief which is based upon my communal influence since birth. My reality is merely a reflection of whatever stimuli has impacted me. I cannot interpret reality for what it really is. I can only assume that the way in which I interpret reality is sufficient for me. And thus, to use language to communicate my perceptions of my reality is even more hindered when engaging another person with a plethora of perceptions and experiences that deviate their percipience from my particular acumen.
What I then find most interesting is how a person or community can with such certainty claim to comprehend God.
And then, in what appears to be, an incredulous manner we vocalize, sermonize, postulate with great certitude and finality our perceptions of God. God, the word in itself, is arrogant on our parts to think that somehow by saying, 'God' we invoke a sentient beings anthropomorphic ear to hear our 'prayers' and 'praises' or that somehow the term 'God' actually signifies and encaptulates an eternal, infinite being. Even using the words, eternal and infinite could not and do not describe whatever it, the one, God, Though, The I, is.
If by the term God we simply mean, that which we cannot explain or understand then perhaps the term God becomes somewhat relevant to my limited language profile. But if by God a person means a sentient being who has human characteristics such as hate, anger, jealousy and the like then I am lost in the language and confused by the limitaitons it would place on this infinite concept we call God.
Will write more later.
As I deviate to a more practical application of my energies I notice that my desire to continue my journey into discovering new 'languages' and thus more enlightened perceptions is still strong. In fact, I find myself hungering for the knowledge but my body is weary from work.
I struggle with learning the new 'languages' of my one mentoree, now friend, because I wonder if it is simply a waste of my time to delve into a language that for all intents and purposes I think should be dead and devoid of life.
The battle of religious perceptions; fundamentalist vs post-modern ideals; etc. How important is it to delve into these areas? How important is it to learn a language that only .1% of the population could even partially grasp? (To clarify, by language I am referencing any new terms and concepts that exist in a particular field of study or community. For instance, if one learns mathematics they have essentially learned a new language of communication. If someone else does not understand the 'language' of mathematics then a mathemetician cannot properly communicate with that person.)
I was asked the other day if to speak about intellectual matters is 'pretentious'. I pondered the thought and answered the next day, "Intent matters." Is the intent to flaunt ones knowledge or is it to earnestly dialogue about matters that are important? The answer would be divulged upon inspection of ones intent.
Pretentious dialogue I think is the complication of a matter through the use of intricate language that could be simplified with more common words of explanation. Giving leeway to the realization that certain terminologies embody much thought in one word in order to shorten the long sentences utilized in a conversation.
I am not here, in this existance, to learn a language in order to flaunt that language over others. I exist to find a language from where I can communicate love in a rational, intelligent way to those in my community. If my language separates me from my community then perhaps I need to find an outlet to share my thoughts while doing my best to help others understand my particular 'language' and its development.
Language, for all of us has been established through our environmental upbringing, namely our culture, society, family and experiences (which are all intertwined). Our language is not indpendant of exterior influence. In fact our language is predominately influenced by such engrossing and dominating stimuli. There can be no such concept within our present cultures of a language uninfluenced by the prior mentioned ascendencies.
We, as individuals, are the result of our communal circles and thus our language will always be influenced by those communal circles. There is no escaping this reality. There is no possible way of regressing to a state of zero knowledge and rebuiliding our language inconspicuous of an a priori of communal influence.
So what is the issue for me? If the above is true, which I believe it to be, based upon my present understanding of reality, then my said interpretation of an universal actualization is limited by my belief which is based upon my communal influence since birth. My reality is merely a reflection of whatever stimuli has impacted me. I cannot interpret reality for what it really is. I can only assume that the way in which I interpret reality is sufficient for me. And thus, to use language to communicate my perceptions of my reality is even more hindered when engaging another person with a plethora of perceptions and experiences that deviate their percipience from my particular acumen.
What I then find most interesting is how a person or community can with such certainty claim to comprehend God.
And then, in what appears to be, an incredulous manner we vocalize, sermonize, postulate with great certitude and finality our perceptions of God. God, the word in itself, is arrogant on our parts to think that somehow by saying, 'God' we invoke a sentient beings anthropomorphic ear to hear our 'prayers' and 'praises' or that somehow the term 'God' actually signifies and encaptulates an eternal, infinite being. Even using the words, eternal and infinite could not and do not describe whatever it, the one, God, Though, The I, is.
If by the term God we simply mean, that which we cannot explain or understand then perhaps the term God becomes somewhat relevant to my limited language profile. But if by God a person means a sentient being who has human characteristics such as hate, anger, jealousy and the like then I am lost in the language and confused by the limitaitons it would place on this infinite concept we call God.
Will write more later.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The playground
Rielly, I agree there are many playgrounds per se. Those are religion, politics, corporate business etc. They are systems of structure that are set in place to restrict, regulate and control.
Stepping out of the playground for me is choosing not to participate in their game anymore. They make the rules, change the rules, and utilize the rules so they are the only ones who can win the game. Why be a part of it? So I can get my daily crumbs until they decide I can't even have the crumbs anymore? Why?
The only way you enter another playground is if you choose to enter another system of control, restriction and regulation. We don't have to do that. I am looking into severing myself from citizenzhip to become a sovereign person. Somewhat similar to the natives. Been researching it for a couple months now. Have a lot more to research.
The reality is that it may not work but at least I went downwaling awya from the illusion that is doing its best to wipe us out anyway.
Stepping out of the playground for me is choosing not to participate in their game anymore. They make the rules, change the rules, and utilize the rules so they are the only ones who can win the game. Why be a part of it? So I can get my daily crumbs until they decide I can't even have the crumbs anymore? Why?
The only way you enter another playground is if you choose to enter another system of control, restriction and regulation. We don't have to do that. I am looking into severing myself from citizenzhip to become a sovereign person. Somewhat similar to the natives. Been researching it for a couple months now. Have a lot more to research.
The reality is that it may not work but at least I went downwaling awya from the illusion that is doing its best to wipe us out anyway.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Too many things to say so a quick summary
The illusion has crumbled. Reality. Jesus is a person. His teachings are profound but not unique. But he is not the illusion. The religious game is part of the illusion. The elite are the rulers of the game. The game is the illusion. What is the game? All of it. Everything. Religion. Politics. Law. Business. It's all an illusion.
Reality? We can choose to step away from the game. Stop playing. I am leaving the playground.
Reality? We can choose to step away from the game. Stop playing. I am leaving the playground.
Monday, May 11, 2009
The distance between
Well now that I finally have my blog back up I can spew some more thoughts.
Relationships with friends is such a challenging thing at times. I do find it interesting that I place different expectations on some friends and not others. Some friends if I don't hear from them for a year, my connection with them will still be strong and healthy and yet with others if I don't hear from them in 2 months I feel like we are no longer friends.
Another thing I find myself doing is wanting to separate myself from friends who associate with others who are people that have hurt myself or my family. I think this is more normal but still I wonder why I do it.
What defines a friend? I like how muslims define it, to a degree. If you are a friend then they will die for you, literally. If you are not a friend then technically you are an enemy. I don't necessarily like the enemy part but I appreciate the idea of how seriously they take friendship.
There are those people in life who call me a friend but who repeatedly do things that would be contrary to what a friend is. Perhaps why some friends I can go without talking to for a year is simply because I trust them with my life and with those that are in the 2 month category it's simply because i don't trust them.
So I wonder if, friendship is really established with trust and grows as the trust grows. But I also wonder if I have unreasonable expectations of some friends. Is it fair of me to dissasociate from a friend if they choose to hang around someone who is a liar, manipulator and such? And when I say hang around, I mean allowing them into the 'inner circle'.
I guess it makes me question who I am in relation to that person. If they are willing to hang out with someone who treats me poorly and not call them into question then what does that say about our friendship? I guess I am just of the persuasion that if someone was treating my friend like crap I would say, "Hey, I think you need to work that out with them." If they would fail to do so I would say, "Hey, I think we need to stop hanging out until you resolve this issue." But maybe that is just me and maybe my expectations of some friends are just too high.
Another issue is always being the one calling. I do it and others do it to me. Even as I write this I am thinking I need to call some people who are friends because I haven't called in a while.
If, for those of you who read this blog, I havn't called in a while I apologize :) Oddly enough I think of you often. If you havn't called me in awhile, trust that I know you are my friends, hence why you are allowed to read this blog. The distance between us is only of distance, it is not of the heart.
Anyway, have to run. My wife and fam should be home soon.
Relationships with friends is such a challenging thing at times. I do find it interesting that I place different expectations on some friends and not others. Some friends if I don't hear from them for a year, my connection with them will still be strong and healthy and yet with others if I don't hear from them in 2 months I feel like we are no longer friends.
Another thing I find myself doing is wanting to separate myself from friends who associate with others who are people that have hurt myself or my family. I think this is more normal but still I wonder why I do it.
What defines a friend? I like how muslims define it, to a degree. If you are a friend then they will die for you, literally. If you are not a friend then technically you are an enemy. I don't necessarily like the enemy part but I appreciate the idea of how seriously they take friendship.
There are those people in life who call me a friend but who repeatedly do things that would be contrary to what a friend is. Perhaps why some friends I can go without talking to for a year is simply because I trust them with my life and with those that are in the 2 month category it's simply because i don't trust them.
So I wonder if, friendship is really established with trust and grows as the trust grows. But I also wonder if I have unreasonable expectations of some friends. Is it fair of me to dissasociate from a friend if they choose to hang around someone who is a liar, manipulator and such? And when I say hang around, I mean allowing them into the 'inner circle'.
I guess it makes me question who I am in relation to that person. If they are willing to hang out with someone who treats me poorly and not call them into question then what does that say about our friendship? I guess I am just of the persuasion that if someone was treating my friend like crap I would say, "Hey, I think you need to work that out with them." If they would fail to do so I would say, "Hey, I think we need to stop hanging out until you resolve this issue." But maybe that is just me and maybe my expectations of some friends are just too high.
Another issue is always being the one calling. I do it and others do it to me. Even as I write this I am thinking I need to call some people who are friends because I haven't called in a while.
If, for those of you who read this blog, I havn't called in a while I apologize :) Oddly enough I think of you often. If you havn't called me in awhile, trust that I know you are my friends, hence why you are allowed to read this blog. The distance between us is only of distance, it is not of the heart.
Anyway, have to run. My wife and fam should be home soon.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Elisabeth Hasselbeck....ughhhh
Elisabeth Hasselbeck must have gone to some elite school for learning how to not listen to others and how to tow the partyline even when the facts point to a more rational conclusion.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6SfmXigHpE&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6SfmXigHpE&feature=related
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Monday, December 8, 2008
You are
You are who you are.
I am who I am.
Names of God according to the Israelites. Yahweh they called him. But really its no name at all. Its just God saying I just am. I exist. I am who I am.
If I reflect on the past 17 year journey I see myself trying to fit in to what I perceive to be a better group, a more holistic community, of finding people that have 'made it' in life and get it. Towards the end of this 17 year adventure there is no treasure to be found. No one has made it.... and none of us really get it, whatever or whether there is something to get.
My one major regret on this journey is that I tried to cover up my past or rewrite it to fit in with a group of people. I tried my best to erase my history instead of embracing it and letting it guide me to better decisions and an integrity filled life.
All these years I tried to hide my son Alexandre. I tried to hide that I had made a poor decision in allowing Evelyne to keep me at bay in Alexandres life. I didn't fight to know him. I didn't go out of my way to meet him. I wrote a couple letters but really love would have got in a car and drove the 12 hours to Quebec to see him whether he wanted me to or not. That is what love would do. Love would show action. It would show commitment, responsibility, protection. It would be willing to humiliate itself just to get the point across that it exists for that person.
I loved being part of a community more then I loved god or my son.
And now 17 years later I am still at the beginning of a journey that i was suppose to start when I was 18. He doesn't view me as his father and that is okay. But perhaps in time he will say he came back to love me.
Love would oddly enough fight to make sure Alexandre knew that he is loved by his dad.
So Zane for 17 years has been someone he is not. He has allowed fear and status to be his guide. Now I will just be who I am not who people want me to be nor who people say I should be. I will just be.
I have a feeling this is going to be a bumpy road.
I am who I am.
Names of God according to the Israelites. Yahweh they called him. But really its no name at all. Its just God saying I just am. I exist. I am who I am.
If I reflect on the past 17 year journey I see myself trying to fit in to what I perceive to be a better group, a more holistic community, of finding people that have 'made it' in life and get it. Towards the end of this 17 year adventure there is no treasure to be found. No one has made it.... and none of us really get it, whatever or whether there is something to get.
My one major regret on this journey is that I tried to cover up my past or rewrite it to fit in with a group of people. I tried my best to erase my history instead of embracing it and letting it guide me to better decisions and an integrity filled life.
All these years I tried to hide my son Alexandre. I tried to hide that I had made a poor decision in allowing Evelyne to keep me at bay in Alexandres life. I didn't fight to know him. I didn't go out of my way to meet him. I wrote a couple letters but really love would have got in a car and drove the 12 hours to Quebec to see him whether he wanted me to or not. That is what love would do. Love would show action. It would show commitment, responsibility, protection. It would be willing to humiliate itself just to get the point across that it exists for that person.
I loved being part of a community more then I loved god or my son.
And now 17 years later I am still at the beginning of a journey that i was suppose to start when I was 18. He doesn't view me as his father and that is okay. But perhaps in time he will say he came back to love me.
Love would oddly enough fight to make sure Alexandre knew that he is loved by his dad.
So Zane for 17 years has been someone he is not. He has allowed fear and status to be his guide. Now I will just be who I am not who people want me to be nor who people say I should be. I will just be.
I have a feeling this is going to be a bumpy road.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Overwhelmed
To write my perception of my reality is challenging. Even though this is a private blog I sometimes struggle with writing what I am about to write.
Some days I am depressed. I find it hard to function or to motivate myself. It feels like my brain is back in highschool when my life was a mess, when the stress was overwhelming. My stress keeps me on the brink of tears throughout the day. I can mask it, hide it, get past it but it has been lingering longer then what I would consider normal for me. I can laugh, still enjoy life but their it sits just waiting, until the laughter is gone, to stand up and walk forward.
I feel somewhat of a shame for allowing myself to entertain suicidal thoughts or excessive pessimism. I have fought for 17 years to overcome the pattern of thoughts that I can attribute to my upbrining and the circumstances that arose throughout my childhood and teenhood.
I had to fight every day to be positive, to be accepting of my situations, to stay focussed. I was and am convinced that I had a chemical imbalance caused by the excessive stress and abuse from my younger years and that I fought it and changed it.
And now it feels that in a very short period of time it has returned. The 'it' being hopelessness; helpless; scared; overwhelmed....; weak; lost. The 'it' somehow has just been waiting for its opportunity to return.
The stress: No job; Bills to be paid; Even with a job it has to pay min 40 grand; Selling home; the stress of last years infidelity still affecting my networks today; children;.... those are the stresses.
And as easy as it is for me to say, "But take joy in the journey..." Well, I am ready for a pause on the road. A resting spot. A job that will help me take care of my family or the house to sell and then a job or the lottery is won lol.
Anyway, writing helps. It takes it out of my head. But for some reason my head still feels odd. It feels heavy. It feels crowded. Blurred.
Marcia keeps having dreams about me and Ethan. Sometimes its just Ethan and other times its both of us. What I havnt said to her is what I see as the interpetation of those dreams. Everyone who sees Ethan says that he is the one who looks like me. He has the curly hair, the same smile, features etc. Ethan and I are pretty close because I had to spend time with him in the hospital for 3 days 24/7. We connected. Out off all the kids he has attached himself to me moreso then Marcia.
Well, in the dreams Marcia has had one where Ethan passed away. In another, she had a dream that Ethan and I were both in the hospital with IV's in our hands. I think the dream is representative of me being weak like a child. The death dream would be her concern that I am going to give up and she has no control to stop it.
I don't want to give up. I want to keep going. I want to see tomorrow. I want to see how my kids do in life. I want to watch them become people of character. I want them to make it. I dont want them to give up. I want them to have what I didn't, a family that worked at staying together.
I digress.
Some days I am depressed. I find it hard to function or to motivate myself. It feels like my brain is back in highschool when my life was a mess, when the stress was overwhelming. My stress keeps me on the brink of tears throughout the day. I can mask it, hide it, get past it but it has been lingering longer then what I would consider normal for me. I can laugh, still enjoy life but their it sits just waiting, until the laughter is gone, to stand up and walk forward.
I feel somewhat of a shame for allowing myself to entertain suicidal thoughts or excessive pessimism. I have fought for 17 years to overcome the pattern of thoughts that I can attribute to my upbrining and the circumstances that arose throughout my childhood and teenhood.
I had to fight every day to be positive, to be accepting of my situations, to stay focussed. I was and am convinced that I had a chemical imbalance caused by the excessive stress and abuse from my younger years and that I fought it and changed it.
And now it feels that in a very short period of time it has returned. The 'it' being hopelessness; helpless; scared; overwhelmed....; weak; lost. The 'it' somehow has just been waiting for its opportunity to return.
The stress: No job; Bills to be paid; Even with a job it has to pay min 40 grand; Selling home; the stress of last years infidelity still affecting my networks today; children;.... those are the stresses.
And as easy as it is for me to say, "But take joy in the journey..." Well, I am ready for a pause on the road. A resting spot. A job that will help me take care of my family or the house to sell and then a job or the lottery is won lol.
Anyway, writing helps. It takes it out of my head. But for some reason my head still feels odd. It feels heavy. It feels crowded. Blurred.
Marcia keeps having dreams about me and Ethan. Sometimes its just Ethan and other times its both of us. What I havnt said to her is what I see as the interpetation of those dreams. Everyone who sees Ethan says that he is the one who looks like me. He has the curly hair, the same smile, features etc. Ethan and I are pretty close because I had to spend time with him in the hospital for 3 days 24/7. We connected. Out off all the kids he has attached himself to me moreso then Marcia.
Well, in the dreams Marcia has had one where Ethan passed away. In another, she had a dream that Ethan and I were both in the hospital with IV's in our hands. I think the dream is representative of me being weak like a child. The death dream would be her concern that I am going to give up and she has no control to stop it.
I don't want to give up. I want to keep going. I want to see tomorrow. I want to see how my kids do in life. I want to watch them become people of character. I want them to make it. I dont want them to give up. I want them to have what I didn't, a family that worked at staying together.
I digress.
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