You are

You are who you are.

I am who I am.

Names of God according to the Israelites. Yahweh they called him. But really its no name at all. Its just God saying I just am. I exist. I am who I am.

If I reflect on the past 17 year journey I see myself trying to fit in to what I perceive to be a better group, a more holistic community, of finding people that have 'made it' in life and get it. Towards the end of this 17 year adventure there is no treasure to be found. No one has made it.... and none of us really get it, whatever or whether there is something to get.

My one major regret on this journey is that I tried to cover up my past or rewrite it to fit in with a group of people. I tried my best to erase my history instead of embracing it and letting it guide me to better decisions and an integrity filled life.

All these years I tried to hide my son Alexandre. I tried to hide that I had made a poor decision in allowing Evelyne to keep me at bay in Alexandres life. I didn't fight to know him. I didn't go out of my way to meet him. I wrote a couple letters but really love would have got in a car and drove the 12 hours to Quebec to see him whether he wanted me to or not. That is what love would do. Love would show action. It would show commitment, responsibility, protection. It would be willing to humiliate itself just to get the point across that it exists for that person.

I loved being part of a community more then I loved god or my son.

And now 17 years later I am still at the beginning of a journey that i was suppose to start when I was 18. He doesn't view me as his father and that is okay. But perhaps in time he will say he came back to love me.

Love would oddly enough fight to make sure Alexandre knew that he is loved by his dad.

So Zane for 17 years has been someone he is not. He has allowed fear and status to be his guide. Now I will just be who I am not who people want me to be nor who people say I should be. I will just be.

I have a feeling this is going to be a bumpy road.