Overwhelmed

To write my perception of my reality is challenging. Even though this is a private blog I sometimes struggle with writing what I am about to write.

Some days I am depressed. I find it hard to function or to motivate myself. It feels like my brain is back in highschool when my life was a mess, when the stress was overwhelming. My stress keeps me on the brink of tears throughout the day. I can mask it, hide it, get past it but it has been lingering longer then what I would consider normal for me. I can laugh, still enjoy life but their it sits just waiting, until the laughter is gone, to stand up and walk forward.

I feel somewhat of a shame for allowing myself to entertain suicidal thoughts or excessive pessimism. I have fought for 17 years to overcome the pattern of thoughts that I can attribute to my upbrining and the circumstances that arose throughout my childhood and teenhood.

I had to fight every day to be positive, to be accepting of my situations, to stay focussed. I was and am convinced that I had a chemical imbalance caused by the excessive stress and abuse from my younger years and that I fought it and changed it.

And now it feels that in a very short period of time it has returned. The 'it' being hopelessness; helpless; scared; overwhelmed....; weak; lost. The 'it' somehow has just been waiting for its opportunity to return.

The stress: No job; Bills to be paid; Even with a job it has to pay min 40 grand; Selling home; the stress of last years infidelity still affecting my networks today; children;.... those are the stresses.

And as easy as it is for me to say, "But take joy in the journey..." Well, I am ready for a pause on the road. A resting spot. A job that will help me take care of my family or the house to sell and then a job or the lottery is won lol.

Anyway, writing helps. It takes it out of my head. But for some reason my head still feels odd. It feels heavy. It feels crowded. Blurred.

Marcia keeps having dreams about me and Ethan. Sometimes its just Ethan and other times its both of us. What I havnt said to her is what I see as the interpetation of those dreams. Everyone who sees Ethan says that he is the one who looks like me. He has the curly hair, the same smile, features etc. Ethan and I are pretty close because I had to spend time with him in the hospital for 3 days 24/7. We connected. Out off all the kids he has attached himself to me moreso then Marcia.

Well, in the dreams Marcia has had one where Ethan passed away. In another, she had a dream that Ethan and I were both in the hospital with IV's in our hands. I think the dream is representative of me being weak like a child. The death dream would be her concern that I am going to give up and she has no control to stop it.

I don't want to give up. I want to keep going. I want to see tomorrow. I want to see how my kids do in life. I want to watch them become people of character. I want them to make it. I dont want them to give up. I want them to have what I didn't, a family that worked at staying together.

I digress.