Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Monday, December 8, 2008
You are
You are who you are.
I am who I am.
Names of God according to the Israelites. Yahweh they called him. But really its no name at all. Its just God saying I just am. I exist. I am who I am.
If I reflect on the past 17 year journey I see myself trying to fit in to what I perceive to be a better group, a more holistic community, of finding people that have 'made it' in life and get it. Towards the end of this 17 year adventure there is no treasure to be found. No one has made it.... and none of us really get it, whatever or whether there is something to get.
My one major regret on this journey is that I tried to cover up my past or rewrite it to fit in with a group of people. I tried my best to erase my history instead of embracing it and letting it guide me to better decisions and an integrity filled life.
All these years I tried to hide my son Alexandre. I tried to hide that I had made a poor decision in allowing Evelyne to keep me at bay in Alexandres life. I didn't fight to know him. I didn't go out of my way to meet him. I wrote a couple letters but really love would have got in a car and drove the 12 hours to Quebec to see him whether he wanted me to or not. That is what love would do. Love would show action. It would show commitment, responsibility, protection. It would be willing to humiliate itself just to get the point across that it exists for that person.
I loved being part of a community more then I loved god or my son.
And now 17 years later I am still at the beginning of a journey that i was suppose to start when I was 18. He doesn't view me as his father and that is okay. But perhaps in time he will say he came back to love me.
Love would oddly enough fight to make sure Alexandre knew that he is loved by his dad.
So Zane for 17 years has been someone he is not. He has allowed fear and status to be his guide. Now I will just be who I am not who people want me to be nor who people say I should be. I will just be.
I have a feeling this is going to be a bumpy road.
I am who I am.
Names of God according to the Israelites. Yahweh they called him. But really its no name at all. Its just God saying I just am. I exist. I am who I am.
If I reflect on the past 17 year journey I see myself trying to fit in to what I perceive to be a better group, a more holistic community, of finding people that have 'made it' in life and get it. Towards the end of this 17 year adventure there is no treasure to be found. No one has made it.... and none of us really get it, whatever or whether there is something to get.
My one major regret on this journey is that I tried to cover up my past or rewrite it to fit in with a group of people. I tried my best to erase my history instead of embracing it and letting it guide me to better decisions and an integrity filled life.
All these years I tried to hide my son Alexandre. I tried to hide that I had made a poor decision in allowing Evelyne to keep me at bay in Alexandres life. I didn't fight to know him. I didn't go out of my way to meet him. I wrote a couple letters but really love would have got in a car and drove the 12 hours to Quebec to see him whether he wanted me to or not. That is what love would do. Love would show action. It would show commitment, responsibility, protection. It would be willing to humiliate itself just to get the point across that it exists for that person.
I loved being part of a community more then I loved god or my son.
And now 17 years later I am still at the beginning of a journey that i was suppose to start when I was 18. He doesn't view me as his father and that is okay. But perhaps in time he will say he came back to love me.
Love would oddly enough fight to make sure Alexandre knew that he is loved by his dad.
So Zane for 17 years has been someone he is not. He has allowed fear and status to be his guide. Now I will just be who I am not who people want me to be nor who people say I should be. I will just be.
I have a feeling this is going to be a bumpy road.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Overwhelmed
To write my perception of my reality is challenging. Even though this is a private blog I sometimes struggle with writing what I am about to write.
Some days I am depressed. I find it hard to function or to motivate myself. It feels like my brain is back in highschool when my life was a mess, when the stress was overwhelming. My stress keeps me on the brink of tears throughout the day. I can mask it, hide it, get past it but it has been lingering longer then what I would consider normal for me. I can laugh, still enjoy life but their it sits just waiting, until the laughter is gone, to stand up and walk forward.
I feel somewhat of a shame for allowing myself to entertain suicidal thoughts or excessive pessimism. I have fought for 17 years to overcome the pattern of thoughts that I can attribute to my upbrining and the circumstances that arose throughout my childhood and teenhood.
I had to fight every day to be positive, to be accepting of my situations, to stay focussed. I was and am convinced that I had a chemical imbalance caused by the excessive stress and abuse from my younger years and that I fought it and changed it.
And now it feels that in a very short period of time it has returned. The 'it' being hopelessness; helpless; scared; overwhelmed....; weak; lost. The 'it' somehow has just been waiting for its opportunity to return.
The stress: No job; Bills to be paid; Even with a job it has to pay min 40 grand; Selling home; the stress of last years infidelity still affecting my networks today; children;.... those are the stresses.
And as easy as it is for me to say, "But take joy in the journey..." Well, I am ready for a pause on the road. A resting spot. A job that will help me take care of my family or the house to sell and then a job or the lottery is won lol.
Anyway, writing helps. It takes it out of my head. But for some reason my head still feels odd. It feels heavy. It feels crowded. Blurred.
Marcia keeps having dreams about me and Ethan. Sometimes its just Ethan and other times its both of us. What I havnt said to her is what I see as the interpetation of those dreams. Everyone who sees Ethan says that he is the one who looks like me. He has the curly hair, the same smile, features etc. Ethan and I are pretty close because I had to spend time with him in the hospital for 3 days 24/7. We connected. Out off all the kids he has attached himself to me moreso then Marcia.
Well, in the dreams Marcia has had one where Ethan passed away. In another, she had a dream that Ethan and I were both in the hospital with IV's in our hands. I think the dream is representative of me being weak like a child. The death dream would be her concern that I am going to give up and she has no control to stop it.
I don't want to give up. I want to keep going. I want to see tomorrow. I want to see how my kids do in life. I want to watch them become people of character. I want them to make it. I dont want them to give up. I want them to have what I didn't, a family that worked at staying together.
I digress.
Some days I am depressed. I find it hard to function or to motivate myself. It feels like my brain is back in highschool when my life was a mess, when the stress was overwhelming. My stress keeps me on the brink of tears throughout the day. I can mask it, hide it, get past it but it has been lingering longer then what I would consider normal for me. I can laugh, still enjoy life but their it sits just waiting, until the laughter is gone, to stand up and walk forward.
I feel somewhat of a shame for allowing myself to entertain suicidal thoughts or excessive pessimism. I have fought for 17 years to overcome the pattern of thoughts that I can attribute to my upbrining and the circumstances that arose throughout my childhood and teenhood.
I had to fight every day to be positive, to be accepting of my situations, to stay focussed. I was and am convinced that I had a chemical imbalance caused by the excessive stress and abuse from my younger years and that I fought it and changed it.
And now it feels that in a very short period of time it has returned. The 'it' being hopelessness; helpless; scared; overwhelmed....; weak; lost. The 'it' somehow has just been waiting for its opportunity to return.
The stress: No job; Bills to be paid; Even with a job it has to pay min 40 grand; Selling home; the stress of last years infidelity still affecting my networks today; children;.... those are the stresses.
And as easy as it is for me to say, "But take joy in the journey..." Well, I am ready for a pause on the road. A resting spot. A job that will help me take care of my family or the house to sell and then a job or the lottery is won lol.
Anyway, writing helps. It takes it out of my head. But for some reason my head still feels odd. It feels heavy. It feels crowded. Blurred.
Marcia keeps having dreams about me and Ethan. Sometimes its just Ethan and other times its both of us. What I havnt said to her is what I see as the interpetation of those dreams. Everyone who sees Ethan says that he is the one who looks like me. He has the curly hair, the same smile, features etc. Ethan and I are pretty close because I had to spend time with him in the hospital for 3 days 24/7. We connected. Out off all the kids he has attached himself to me moreso then Marcia.
Well, in the dreams Marcia has had one where Ethan passed away. In another, she had a dream that Ethan and I were both in the hospital with IV's in our hands. I think the dream is representative of me being weak like a child. The death dream would be her concern that I am going to give up and she has no control to stop it.
I don't want to give up. I want to keep going. I want to see tomorrow. I want to see how my kids do in life. I want to watch them become people of character. I want them to make it. I dont want them to give up. I want them to have what I didn't, a family that worked at staying together.
I digress.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Building my own foundation
What did Jesus, Buddha and Nietszche have in common? They each tried to build their own foundation of thought. They questioned their perceived notions about the world, their cultural religion, and themselves.
They took the time to think through things instead of just believing and listening to everyone else around them. They made it a priority to work through the eternal questions instead of just believing what their forefathers said were the answers to those questions.
If there is any one major failure of all major religions of the world it is this one simple thing. Corporate religion has destroyed the need in people to seek out the answers with passion, conviction and humility. Corporate religion has taught that all answers can be found and have been found within our foundational thought processes and writings. Our forefathers figured it out and now we simply develop other ideas from their base presuppositions and conclusions on theology, philosophy, etc.
I don't want to be Martin Luther. I don't want to be Jesus Christ. I want to be Zane. Not because I want my name in history but for the soul purpose of having my own journey. I don't want the journey of my forefathers. I want my own journey. The only thing I want to glean from guys like Jesus and Buddha is their desire to be real and their desire to deconstruct the world idealogies in order to formulate better perspectives.
I don't believe there is anything wrong with having teachers, mentors, and spiritual guides in life. In fact I believe these are imperative to assisting in the development of that which may be necessary to start the holistic journey of discovery. But those guides need to teach us how to add, how to spell, how to use logic, how to speak etc. They do not need to teach us absolutes about theology or philosphy. The human mind is, through experience and thought, in my opinion, and for the most part, when taught the appropriate basic functions, capable of figuring out that which Jesus and Buddha figured out.
I also believe that community is a great way to assist in the development of views. As we dialogue people can assist in pointing out what seems to make sense and what doesn't.
Will write more later......
They took the time to think through things instead of just believing and listening to everyone else around them. They made it a priority to work through the eternal questions instead of just believing what their forefathers said were the answers to those questions.
If there is any one major failure of all major religions of the world it is this one simple thing. Corporate religion has destroyed the need in people to seek out the answers with passion, conviction and humility. Corporate religion has taught that all answers can be found and have been found within our foundational thought processes and writings. Our forefathers figured it out and now we simply develop other ideas from their base presuppositions and conclusions on theology, philosophy, etc.
I don't want to be Martin Luther. I don't want to be Jesus Christ. I want to be Zane. Not because I want my name in history but for the soul purpose of having my own journey. I don't want the journey of my forefathers. I want my own journey. The only thing I want to glean from guys like Jesus and Buddha is their desire to be real and their desire to deconstruct the world idealogies in order to formulate better perspectives.
I don't believe there is anything wrong with having teachers, mentors, and spiritual guides in life. In fact I believe these are imperative to assisting in the development of that which may be necessary to start the holistic journey of discovery. But those guides need to teach us how to add, how to spell, how to use logic, how to speak etc. They do not need to teach us absolutes about theology or philosphy. The human mind is, through experience and thought, in my opinion, and for the most part, when taught the appropriate basic functions, capable of figuring out that which Jesus and Buddha figured out.
I also believe that community is a great way to assist in the development of views. As we dialogue people can assist in pointing out what seems to make sense and what doesn't.
Will write more later......
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Goals?
I find it hard to find reason for owning a home apart from financial benefit. I could argue that it provides me a place for my family, friends and those in need and that works somewhat.
But I can easily rent a place and accomplish the same thing. I guess building equity for my childrens future is another. Future. Future consumerism. Future materialism. Future capitalism. Future.
I can envision owning land with a community of people who want to be free from corporate everything. I feel lost here, in this place. I feel strangled, I can't breathe right. I feel like I just don't fit and every day that goes by is another day that I feel myself burrowing back inside me.
My daughter has bunnies in a cage in her room. They don't belong there but they live there. They are fed. They are taken out each day to run around. They are placed back in the cage. I'm no different then those bunnies. I am stuck with no way out.
So where do I fit? I am living in my choices. This is the result of my choices. I chose to be a part of the corporate conspiracy we call democratic capitalism. I chose to go to bible college. I chose to marry my wife. I chose to have children. I chose to buy a house. I chose to be a part of the religious corporation. I chose to start a church. I chose to go into debt. I chose to have an affair. I chose to leave my family. I chose to come back to my family. I chose it and now I am living it.
So now I am responsible for my choices. I do love my family. I love my wife. I love my kids. But those are words.
I'm scared to go back to work. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to do something that has purpose. And not some purpose that I have to contrive in order to make it through a day. This isn't what it should be like. There is something broken. There is something that is just wrong about how we are living. It feels like I am insane when I am in the midst of this world's structure.
But I can easily rent a place and accomplish the same thing. I guess building equity for my childrens future is another. Future. Future consumerism. Future materialism. Future capitalism. Future.
I can envision owning land with a community of people who want to be free from corporate everything. I feel lost here, in this place. I feel strangled, I can't breathe right. I feel like I just don't fit and every day that goes by is another day that I feel myself burrowing back inside me.
My daughter has bunnies in a cage in her room. They don't belong there but they live there. They are fed. They are taken out each day to run around. They are placed back in the cage. I'm no different then those bunnies. I am stuck with no way out.
So where do I fit? I am living in my choices. This is the result of my choices. I chose to be a part of the corporate conspiracy we call democratic capitalism. I chose to go to bible college. I chose to marry my wife. I chose to have children. I chose to buy a house. I chose to be a part of the religious corporation. I chose to start a church. I chose to go into debt. I chose to have an affair. I chose to leave my family. I chose to come back to my family. I chose it and now I am living it.
So now I am responsible for my choices. I do love my family. I love my wife. I love my kids. But those are words.
I'm scared to go back to work. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to do something that has purpose. And not some purpose that I have to contrive in order to make it through a day. This isn't what it should be like. There is something broken. There is something that is just wrong about how we are living. It feels like I am insane when I am in the midst of this world's structure.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Deconstructionism
Today I was told that I have a tendency to deconstruct views (such as Christianity) but offer no alternative belief system to replace the one being deconstructed. At first I was about to get defensive but then I reflected on the comment. They are absolutely right. I don't offer an alternative because I am not sure if there is, can be, or will be an alternative.
Why does there have to be some ultimate religious claim that exists that separates humans from one another instead of uniting them? Why does there have to be an ultimate leader who tells everyone what to do and what is right and wrong? Why are we so afraid of things being unknown, not having all the answers, not knowing what will happen after we die? Why do these things terrify humans?
Why can't we as humans simply accept the seeming reality of mystery, unanswerable questions; the possibility that we are in fact on this earth alone with only one another to depend on; the possibility that even if God exists and cares about us that he may just be letting us make our own choices and decisions without interference. Or why can't people be okay with the possibility that he may exist and is involved in every persons daily life?
So many differing faith groups claim to have all the answers. They claim they have discovered truth. They claim they have figured out the other side of existence such as heaven, hell, nirvana, sheol etc. And yet it can all be deconstructed.
The only stance that I seem to take presently after having deconstructed my past beliefs is that for some reason love seems to be a possible foundational answer to social constructs, relationships, thoughts, and life in general. Beyond that one aspect of an idealogical position which would then branch into ethics, morality, etc. I really hold no other position with confidence.
I don't know if Jesus was actually divine. I don't know if Buddha was divine. I don't know if there is a hell. I don't know if the earth was created in seven days or a billion years. I just don't know. I can look at the proposed evidence and make what may appear to be reasonable conclusions but in the end I will have to still say... "I don't have all the evidence and thus my conclusions are reserved and only based on possibilites and probabilities and not on 100% innerant fact."
So perhaps rather then saying I am a moderate universalist I may fit more into the category of a deconstructionalist who based on his past views and experiences holds to the possibility of moderate universalism being a reasonable ocean for swimming.
Why does there have to be some ultimate religious claim that exists that separates humans from one another instead of uniting them? Why does there have to be an ultimate leader who tells everyone what to do and what is right and wrong? Why are we so afraid of things being unknown, not having all the answers, not knowing what will happen after we die? Why do these things terrify humans?
Why can't we as humans simply accept the seeming reality of mystery, unanswerable questions; the possibility that we are in fact on this earth alone with only one another to depend on; the possibility that even if God exists and cares about us that he may just be letting us make our own choices and decisions without interference. Or why can't people be okay with the possibility that he may exist and is involved in every persons daily life?
So many differing faith groups claim to have all the answers. They claim they have discovered truth. They claim they have figured out the other side of existence such as heaven, hell, nirvana, sheol etc. And yet it can all be deconstructed.
The only stance that I seem to take presently after having deconstructed my past beliefs is that for some reason love seems to be a possible foundational answer to social constructs, relationships, thoughts, and life in general. Beyond that one aspect of an idealogical position which would then branch into ethics, morality, etc. I really hold no other position with confidence.
I don't know if Jesus was actually divine. I don't know if Buddha was divine. I don't know if there is a hell. I don't know if the earth was created in seven days or a billion years. I just don't know. I can look at the proposed evidence and make what may appear to be reasonable conclusions but in the end I will have to still say... "I don't have all the evidence and thus my conclusions are reserved and only based on possibilites and probabilities and not on 100% innerant fact."
So perhaps rather then saying I am a moderate universalist I may fit more into the category of a deconstructionalist who based on his past views and experiences holds to the possibility of moderate universalism being a reasonable ocean for swimming.
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