Goals?

I find it hard to find reason for owning a home apart from financial benefit. I could argue that it provides me a place for my family, friends and those in need and that works somewhat.

But I can easily rent a place and accomplish the same thing. I guess building equity for my childrens future is another. Future. Future consumerism. Future materialism. Future capitalism. Future.

I can envision owning land with a community of people who want to be free from corporate everything. I feel lost here, in this place. I feel strangled, I can't breathe right. I feel like I just don't fit and every day that goes by is another day that I feel myself burrowing back inside me.

My daughter has bunnies in a cage in her room. They don't belong there but they live there. They are fed. They are taken out each day to run around. They are placed back in the cage. I'm no different then those bunnies. I am stuck with no way out.

So where do I fit? I am living in my choices. This is the result of my choices. I chose to be a part of the corporate conspiracy we call democratic capitalism. I chose to go to bible college. I chose to marry my wife. I chose to have children. I chose to buy a house. I chose to be a part of the religious corporation. I chose to start a church. I chose to go into debt. I chose to have an affair. I chose to leave my family. I chose to come back to my family. I chose it and now I am living it.

So now I am responsible for my choices. I do love my family. I love my wife. I love my kids. But those are words.

I'm scared to go back to work. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to do something that has purpose. And not some purpose that I have to contrive in order to make it through a day. This isn't what it should be like. There is something broken. There is something that is just wrong about how we are living. It feels like I am insane when I am in the midst of this world's structure.