You are who you are.
I am who I am.
Names of God according to the Israelites. Yahweh they called him. But really its no name at all. Its just God saying I just am. I exist. I am who I am.
If I reflect on the past 17 year journey I see myself trying to fit in to what I perceive to be a better group, a more holistic community, of finding people that have 'made it' in life and get it. Towards the end of this 17 year adventure there is no treasure to be found. No one has made it.... and none of us really get it, whatever or whether there is something to get.
My one major regret on this journey is that I tried to cover up my past or rewrite it to fit in with a group of people. I tried my best to erase my history instead of embracing it and letting it guide me to better decisions and an integrity filled life.
All these years I tried to hide my son Alexandre. I tried to hide that I had made a poor decision in allowing Evelyne to keep me at bay in Alexandres life. I didn't fight to know him. I didn't go out of my way to meet him. I wrote a couple letters but really love would have got in a car and drove the 12 hours to Quebec to see him whether he wanted me to or not. That is what love would do. Love would show action. It would show commitment, responsibility, protection. It would be willing to humiliate itself just to get the point across that it exists for that person.
I loved being part of a community more then I loved god or my son.
And now 17 years later I am still at the beginning of a journey that i was suppose to start when I was 18. He doesn't view me as his father and that is okay. But perhaps in time he will say he came back to love me.
Love would oddly enough fight to make sure Alexandre knew that he is loved by his dad.
So Zane for 17 years has been someone he is not. He has allowed fear and status to be his guide. Now I will just be who I am not who people want me to be nor who people say I should be. I will just be.
I have a feeling this is going to be a bumpy road.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Overwhelmed
To write my perception of my reality is challenging. Even though this is a private blog I sometimes struggle with writing what I am about to write.
Some days I am depressed. I find it hard to function or to motivate myself. It feels like my brain is back in highschool when my life was a mess, when the stress was overwhelming. My stress keeps me on the brink of tears throughout the day. I can mask it, hide it, get past it but it has been lingering longer then what I would consider normal for me. I can laugh, still enjoy life but their it sits just waiting, until the laughter is gone, to stand up and walk forward.
I feel somewhat of a shame for allowing myself to entertain suicidal thoughts or excessive pessimism. I have fought for 17 years to overcome the pattern of thoughts that I can attribute to my upbrining and the circumstances that arose throughout my childhood and teenhood.
I had to fight every day to be positive, to be accepting of my situations, to stay focussed. I was and am convinced that I had a chemical imbalance caused by the excessive stress and abuse from my younger years and that I fought it and changed it.
And now it feels that in a very short period of time it has returned. The 'it' being hopelessness; helpless; scared; overwhelmed....; weak; lost. The 'it' somehow has just been waiting for its opportunity to return.
The stress: No job; Bills to be paid; Even with a job it has to pay min 40 grand; Selling home; the stress of last years infidelity still affecting my networks today; children;.... those are the stresses.
And as easy as it is for me to say, "But take joy in the journey..." Well, I am ready for a pause on the road. A resting spot. A job that will help me take care of my family or the house to sell and then a job or the lottery is won lol.
Anyway, writing helps. It takes it out of my head. But for some reason my head still feels odd. It feels heavy. It feels crowded. Blurred.
Marcia keeps having dreams about me and Ethan. Sometimes its just Ethan and other times its both of us. What I havnt said to her is what I see as the interpetation of those dreams. Everyone who sees Ethan says that he is the one who looks like me. He has the curly hair, the same smile, features etc. Ethan and I are pretty close because I had to spend time with him in the hospital for 3 days 24/7. We connected. Out off all the kids he has attached himself to me moreso then Marcia.
Well, in the dreams Marcia has had one where Ethan passed away. In another, she had a dream that Ethan and I were both in the hospital with IV's in our hands. I think the dream is representative of me being weak like a child. The death dream would be her concern that I am going to give up and she has no control to stop it.
I don't want to give up. I want to keep going. I want to see tomorrow. I want to see how my kids do in life. I want to watch them become people of character. I want them to make it. I dont want them to give up. I want them to have what I didn't, a family that worked at staying together.
I digress.
Some days I am depressed. I find it hard to function or to motivate myself. It feels like my brain is back in highschool when my life was a mess, when the stress was overwhelming. My stress keeps me on the brink of tears throughout the day. I can mask it, hide it, get past it but it has been lingering longer then what I would consider normal for me. I can laugh, still enjoy life but their it sits just waiting, until the laughter is gone, to stand up and walk forward.
I feel somewhat of a shame for allowing myself to entertain suicidal thoughts or excessive pessimism. I have fought for 17 years to overcome the pattern of thoughts that I can attribute to my upbrining and the circumstances that arose throughout my childhood and teenhood.
I had to fight every day to be positive, to be accepting of my situations, to stay focussed. I was and am convinced that I had a chemical imbalance caused by the excessive stress and abuse from my younger years and that I fought it and changed it.
And now it feels that in a very short period of time it has returned. The 'it' being hopelessness; helpless; scared; overwhelmed....; weak; lost. The 'it' somehow has just been waiting for its opportunity to return.
The stress: No job; Bills to be paid; Even with a job it has to pay min 40 grand; Selling home; the stress of last years infidelity still affecting my networks today; children;.... those are the stresses.
And as easy as it is for me to say, "But take joy in the journey..." Well, I am ready for a pause on the road. A resting spot. A job that will help me take care of my family or the house to sell and then a job or the lottery is won lol.
Anyway, writing helps. It takes it out of my head. But for some reason my head still feels odd. It feels heavy. It feels crowded. Blurred.
Marcia keeps having dreams about me and Ethan. Sometimes its just Ethan and other times its both of us. What I havnt said to her is what I see as the interpetation of those dreams. Everyone who sees Ethan says that he is the one who looks like me. He has the curly hair, the same smile, features etc. Ethan and I are pretty close because I had to spend time with him in the hospital for 3 days 24/7. We connected. Out off all the kids he has attached himself to me moreso then Marcia.
Well, in the dreams Marcia has had one where Ethan passed away. In another, she had a dream that Ethan and I were both in the hospital with IV's in our hands. I think the dream is representative of me being weak like a child. The death dream would be her concern that I am going to give up and she has no control to stop it.
I don't want to give up. I want to keep going. I want to see tomorrow. I want to see how my kids do in life. I want to watch them become people of character. I want them to make it. I dont want them to give up. I want them to have what I didn't, a family that worked at staying together.
I digress.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Building my own foundation
What did Jesus, Buddha and Nietszche have in common? They each tried to build their own foundation of thought. They questioned their perceived notions about the world, their cultural religion, and themselves.
They took the time to think through things instead of just believing and listening to everyone else around them. They made it a priority to work through the eternal questions instead of just believing what their forefathers said were the answers to those questions.
If there is any one major failure of all major religions of the world it is this one simple thing. Corporate religion has destroyed the need in people to seek out the answers with passion, conviction and humility. Corporate religion has taught that all answers can be found and have been found within our foundational thought processes and writings. Our forefathers figured it out and now we simply develop other ideas from their base presuppositions and conclusions on theology, philosophy, etc.
I don't want to be Martin Luther. I don't want to be Jesus Christ. I want to be Zane. Not because I want my name in history but for the soul purpose of having my own journey. I don't want the journey of my forefathers. I want my own journey. The only thing I want to glean from guys like Jesus and Buddha is their desire to be real and their desire to deconstruct the world idealogies in order to formulate better perspectives.
I don't believe there is anything wrong with having teachers, mentors, and spiritual guides in life. In fact I believe these are imperative to assisting in the development of that which may be necessary to start the holistic journey of discovery. But those guides need to teach us how to add, how to spell, how to use logic, how to speak etc. They do not need to teach us absolutes about theology or philosphy. The human mind is, through experience and thought, in my opinion, and for the most part, when taught the appropriate basic functions, capable of figuring out that which Jesus and Buddha figured out.
I also believe that community is a great way to assist in the development of views. As we dialogue people can assist in pointing out what seems to make sense and what doesn't.
Will write more later......
They took the time to think through things instead of just believing and listening to everyone else around them. They made it a priority to work through the eternal questions instead of just believing what their forefathers said were the answers to those questions.
If there is any one major failure of all major religions of the world it is this one simple thing. Corporate religion has destroyed the need in people to seek out the answers with passion, conviction and humility. Corporate religion has taught that all answers can be found and have been found within our foundational thought processes and writings. Our forefathers figured it out and now we simply develop other ideas from their base presuppositions and conclusions on theology, philosophy, etc.
I don't want to be Martin Luther. I don't want to be Jesus Christ. I want to be Zane. Not because I want my name in history but for the soul purpose of having my own journey. I don't want the journey of my forefathers. I want my own journey. The only thing I want to glean from guys like Jesus and Buddha is their desire to be real and their desire to deconstruct the world idealogies in order to formulate better perspectives.
I don't believe there is anything wrong with having teachers, mentors, and spiritual guides in life. In fact I believe these are imperative to assisting in the development of that which may be necessary to start the holistic journey of discovery. But those guides need to teach us how to add, how to spell, how to use logic, how to speak etc. They do not need to teach us absolutes about theology or philosphy. The human mind is, through experience and thought, in my opinion, and for the most part, when taught the appropriate basic functions, capable of figuring out that which Jesus and Buddha figured out.
I also believe that community is a great way to assist in the development of views. As we dialogue people can assist in pointing out what seems to make sense and what doesn't.
Will write more later......
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Goals?
I find it hard to find reason for owning a home apart from financial benefit. I could argue that it provides me a place for my family, friends and those in need and that works somewhat.
But I can easily rent a place and accomplish the same thing. I guess building equity for my childrens future is another. Future. Future consumerism. Future materialism. Future capitalism. Future.
I can envision owning land with a community of people who want to be free from corporate everything. I feel lost here, in this place. I feel strangled, I can't breathe right. I feel like I just don't fit and every day that goes by is another day that I feel myself burrowing back inside me.
My daughter has bunnies in a cage in her room. They don't belong there but they live there. They are fed. They are taken out each day to run around. They are placed back in the cage. I'm no different then those bunnies. I am stuck with no way out.
So where do I fit? I am living in my choices. This is the result of my choices. I chose to be a part of the corporate conspiracy we call democratic capitalism. I chose to go to bible college. I chose to marry my wife. I chose to have children. I chose to buy a house. I chose to be a part of the religious corporation. I chose to start a church. I chose to go into debt. I chose to have an affair. I chose to leave my family. I chose to come back to my family. I chose it and now I am living it.
So now I am responsible for my choices. I do love my family. I love my wife. I love my kids. But those are words.
I'm scared to go back to work. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to do something that has purpose. And not some purpose that I have to contrive in order to make it through a day. This isn't what it should be like. There is something broken. There is something that is just wrong about how we are living. It feels like I am insane when I am in the midst of this world's structure.
But I can easily rent a place and accomplish the same thing. I guess building equity for my childrens future is another. Future. Future consumerism. Future materialism. Future capitalism. Future.
I can envision owning land with a community of people who want to be free from corporate everything. I feel lost here, in this place. I feel strangled, I can't breathe right. I feel like I just don't fit and every day that goes by is another day that I feel myself burrowing back inside me.
My daughter has bunnies in a cage in her room. They don't belong there but they live there. They are fed. They are taken out each day to run around. They are placed back in the cage. I'm no different then those bunnies. I am stuck with no way out.
So where do I fit? I am living in my choices. This is the result of my choices. I chose to be a part of the corporate conspiracy we call democratic capitalism. I chose to go to bible college. I chose to marry my wife. I chose to have children. I chose to buy a house. I chose to be a part of the religious corporation. I chose to start a church. I chose to go into debt. I chose to have an affair. I chose to leave my family. I chose to come back to my family. I chose it and now I am living it.
So now I am responsible for my choices. I do love my family. I love my wife. I love my kids. But those are words.
I'm scared to go back to work. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to do something that has purpose. And not some purpose that I have to contrive in order to make it through a day. This isn't what it should be like. There is something broken. There is something that is just wrong about how we are living. It feels like I am insane when I am in the midst of this world's structure.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Deconstructionism
Today I was told that I have a tendency to deconstruct views (such as Christianity) but offer no alternative belief system to replace the one being deconstructed. At first I was about to get defensive but then I reflected on the comment. They are absolutely right. I don't offer an alternative because I am not sure if there is, can be, or will be an alternative.
Why does there have to be some ultimate religious claim that exists that separates humans from one another instead of uniting them? Why does there have to be an ultimate leader who tells everyone what to do and what is right and wrong? Why are we so afraid of things being unknown, not having all the answers, not knowing what will happen after we die? Why do these things terrify humans?
Why can't we as humans simply accept the seeming reality of mystery, unanswerable questions; the possibility that we are in fact on this earth alone with only one another to depend on; the possibility that even if God exists and cares about us that he may just be letting us make our own choices and decisions without interference. Or why can't people be okay with the possibility that he may exist and is involved in every persons daily life?
So many differing faith groups claim to have all the answers. They claim they have discovered truth. They claim they have figured out the other side of existence such as heaven, hell, nirvana, sheol etc. And yet it can all be deconstructed.
The only stance that I seem to take presently after having deconstructed my past beliefs is that for some reason love seems to be a possible foundational answer to social constructs, relationships, thoughts, and life in general. Beyond that one aspect of an idealogical position which would then branch into ethics, morality, etc. I really hold no other position with confidence.
I don't know if Jesus was actually divine. I don't know if Buddha was divine. I don't know if there is a hell. I don't know if the earth was created in seven days or a billion years. I just don't know. I can look at the proposed evidence and make what may appear to be reasonable conclusions but in the end I will have to still say... "I don't have all the evidence and thus my conclusions are reserved and only based on possibilites and probabilities and not on 100% innerant fact."
So perhaps rather then saying I am a moderate universalist I may fit more into the category of a deconstructionalist who based on his past views and experiences holds to the possibility of moderate universalism being a reasonable ocean for swimming.
Why does there have to be some ultimate religious claim that exists that separates humans from one another instead of uniting them? Why does there have to be an ultimate leader who tells everyone what to do and what is right and wrong? Why are we so afraid of things being unknown, not having all the answers, not knowing what will happen after we die? Why do these things terrify humans?
Why can't we as humans simply accept the seeming reality of mystery, unanswerable questions; the possibility that we are in fact on this earth alone with only one another to depend on; the possibility that even if God exists and cares about us that he may just be letting us make our own choices and decisions without interference. Or why can't people be okay with the possibility that he may exist and is involved in every persons daily life?
So many differing faith groups claim to have all the answers. They claim they have discovered truth. They claim they have figured out the other side of existence such as heaven, hell, nirvana, sheol etc. And yet it can all be deconstructed.
The only stance that I seem to take presently after having deconstructed my past beliefs is that for some reason love seems to be a possible foundational answer to social constructs, relationships, thoughts, and life in general. Beyond that one aspect of an idealogical position which would then branch into ethics, morality, etc. I really hold no other position with confidence.
I don't know if Jesus was actually divine. I don't know if Buddha was divine. I don't know if there is a hell. I don't know if the earth was created in seven days or a billion years. I just don't know. I can look at the proposed evidence and make what may appear to be reasonable conclusions but in the end I will have to still say... "I don't have all the evidence and thus my conclusions are reserved and only based on possibilites and probabilities and not on 100% innerant fact."
So perhaps rather then saying I am a moderate universalist I may fit more into the category of a deconstructionalist who based on his past views and experiences holds to the possibility of moderate universalism being a reasonable ocean for swimming.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
The Intent of Giving
I am presently examining my intent in giving. I am performing a wedding soon and I am doing it for free. But I recently lost my credentials so I have to get someone else to sign the papers. That person requires 200 bucks to do it. Oddly enough I performed the same task for him and volunteered my services for free. The groom ended up paying me anyway but my intent was to give on behalf of my friend.
Now there is nothing wrong with what my friend has done in requesting money for his services. There are expenses such as gas and wear and tear on the car. So it only makes sense.
But for some reason I find myself never wanting to ask for money, oft times, even with people I don't know. Upon analyzing my feelings I think that I don't want them to think that I care more about money then I do about them. I don't want them to feel as if they are just a means to an end. I want them to feel special especially on a day when they are celebrating love.
And then there are times when I offer my services for free but deep down you are thinking, "I could really use the money right now to pay some bills so I hope they are able to give me something." But again never wanting to ask because I don't want them to feel less then money.
What is my intent when I message my friends to talk with them? What is my intent when I write this blog? What is my intent when I buy a house; buy a car; buy stainless steel appliances vs white; etc. etc. etc.?
Is intent what matters when performing an action? The action may benefit another even if the intent is self involved but for the one performing the action if the intent is selfish or not out of love then is the 'actor' doing some level of damage to themself?
Now, to clarify, I think if two parties are in agreement to exchange services that that is okay. I am not dealing with that issue in this post. I am dealing with false intent parading as love.
I think perhaps why the teachers Jesus and Buudha taught to give to those who can't give back is true charity because then, and only then, can we be more assured that our intent is really love. And again Jesus also taught to do it in secret so no one else knows. Why? Because then you can be more assured that it was out of love and not for self gain.
Now what about translating that action, of giving to those who cant give back, over to giving to anyone at any time. Perhaps if we identify with the feeling, mental state, thought processes associated with that act of giving we can replicate it when we try to give to others, even when we may see personal benefit from giving to them.
So I guess its time I start giving more, in secrecy, to those who cant give back anything to me so I can remember what those feelings and states of being are.
Now there is nothing wrong with what my friend has done in requesting money for his services. There are expenses such as gas and wear and tear on the car. So it only makes sense.
But for some reason I find myself never wanting to ask for money, oft times, even with people I don't know. Upon analyzing my feelings I think that I don't want them to think that I care more about money then I do about them. I don't want them to feel as if they are just a means to an end. I want them to feel special especially on a day when they are celebrating love.
And then there are times when I offer my services for free but deep down you are thinking, "I could really use the money right now to pay some bills so I hope they are able to give me something." But again never wanting to ask because I don't want them to feel less then money.
What is my intent when I message my friends to talk with them? What is my intent when I write this blog? What is my intent when I buy a house; buy a car; buy stainless steel appliances vs white; etc. etc. etc.?
Is intent what matters when performing an action? The action may benefit another even if the intent is self involved but for the one performing the action if the intent is selfish or not out of love then is the 'actor' doing some level of damage to themself?
Now, to clarify, I think if two parties are in agreement to exchange services that that is okay. I am not dealing with that issue in this post. I am dealing with false intent parading as love.
I think perhaps why the teachers Jesus and Buudha taught to give to those who can't give back is true charity because then, and only then, can we be more assured that our intent is really love. And again Jesus also taught to do it in secret so no one else knows. Why? Because then you can be more assured that it was out of love and not for self gain.
Now what about translating that action, of giving to those who cant give back, over to giving to anyone at any time. Perhaps if we identify with the feeling, mental state, thought processes associated with that act of giving we can replicate it when we try to give to others, even when we may see personal benefit from giving to them.
So I guess its time I start giving more, in secrecy, to those who cant give back anything to me so I can remember what those feelings and states of being are.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
A Potential Embracing of Universalism
It is like I am standing on the waters edge having only dipped my toes into the river. I have experience evangelicalism for 17 years. In the first couple years I was open to a god that was involved in all cultures and all faiths but slowly that perspective was brow beat from my system of beliefs. To believe such a thing, evangelicals taught, was to deny Christ and his sacrifice. And only now over the past couple of years have I been moving back to and forward to the embracing of a god who is found everywhere that is not exclusive to Christianity. Thus, I am moving from the edge of the river and dipping my toes into a world that lifts the burden from my shoulders to defend and proseltyze a religious system that is archaic, illogical, arrogant, and that which causes dissension in the world.
I am now free to examine and search for answers and to love without false intent, or alterior motives. I am free to love for the sake of love. To love because forefathers such as Christ, Buddha, Ghandi, etc. learned that love is the answer and displayed that it really is something that can change the world.
I no longer have to believe that the evangelical canon is somehow the only legitimate canon. I no longer have to read any canon to find enlightenment. I can reflect, think, meditate, converse and if I choose I can read whatever I choose to read. I can read the Pali Canon and see if I can find truth within its pages. I can read books on Hinduism and seek out the truth of our universe in its pages. I can compile, rip apart, meditate and conclude that which differs from evangelicalism without spiritual recourse.
I am free to love. I am free to think. And now the journey begins to discovering further insights into a universe that contains many 'I''s or that I think contains many "I"'s. I am ready to go neck deep into the river.
I am now free to examine and search for answers and to love without false intent, or alterior motives. I am free to love for the sake of love. To love because forefathers such as Christ, Buddha, Ghandi, etc. learned that love is the answer and displayed that it really is something that can change the world.
I no longer have to believe that the evangelical canon is somehow the only legitimate canon. I no longer have to read any canon to find enlightenment. I can reflect, think, meditate, converse and if I choose I can read whatever I choose to read. I can read the Pali Canon and see if I can find truth within its pages. I can read books on Hinduism and seek out the truth of our universe in its pages. I can compile, rip apart, meditate and conclude that which differs from evangelicalism without spiritual recourse.
I am free to love. I am free to think. And now the journey begins to discovering further insights into a universe that contains many 'I''s or that I think contains many "I"'s. I am ready to go neck deep into the river.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Changing the Landscape of our Society
Sorry, that goes against policy. Sorry, if we do that we are setting a precedant for future activity. Sorry, it wouldn't be in the best interest of the company to help out that person. Sorry, doing that pro bono isn't something we want to be involved with. We are a business.... it's about making money.
Being involved in the charitable end of business you would think that the above words would be a reflection of the 'NON' charitable side of business but you would be wrong. Those are direct statements over the years from people who run charitable organizations.
I guess I was raised by a mom who would give anything she had to someone who was in need. She has never been someone who is overly materialistic even though she is a pack rat! But the pack rat in her is more about nostalgia, memories, and remembering the good ol’ days.
My mom taught me that if someone needs your help.... you help. But I watch every day as business becomes the front for not having to help people. We can hide behind business, corporation, policies, bi-laws, all we want but the reality is always in our face that when we turn down helping people we just 'chose' not to help. It has nothing to do with business and everything to do with loving your neighbour.
And even loving your neighbour, in our culture, has seemed to have made a semantic transition of meaning. It no longer means give unconditionally. It means give to others so that you can build a good network of potential connections that will benefit your future.
Business is the anti-christ of our culture. It is the anti-community; the anti-healthy humanity; and the anti-good will towards man. For instance, business wants to help build culture but only if it increases revenue. Business wants to help community but only if it means happy customers that come back to buy more. Business wants to help humanity but only if it gets a tax receipt. And business will always be nice to its neighbour because that brings repeat customers[1].
Is this bad? Is it wrong? What I know for now is that we are living under a democratic corporate fascism under the guise of simple democracy. Corporations are destroying our world. Presently, they are here to plunder and take what they can from those of us who are willing to give[2]. And corporations are the idols of most businesses worldwide. Owners of businesses want to be the ones that are bringing in mass amounts of money. The small businesses are just smaller versions of their larger idol the 'corporation'.[3]
The one thing I liked about church was this. If the people didn’t like the leadership they spoke with their pocket books and their feet. You could simply stop giving or leave. And in both cases if one occurred on a mass scale the leadership was finished.
The problem with our society is that the rulers have put laws into place to throw us into jail if we stop paying taxes. And secondly, we can’t just up and walk out of the country ‘en masse’ because simply put, ‘There is no place to go!’.
So we are in a bit of a dilemma. The dilemma being, “How do we take back control of our lives, our communities and our countries, in the confines of corporate fascism?”
If we had a policy set in place that after every 7 years everyone’s balance got set back to zero and we all started over then maybe we could do it but alas that doesn’t exist.[4] Or if we could buy land somewhere and start our own communities apart from the government and big business then maybe we could do it. But again, what land and with what money?
And there is the other dilemma. Securing the money needed to get land or reducing the equation, getting the land. Where can someone without money either get money for the land or get the land without money without getting help from big business.
Everyone wants money and more of it. I am no exception to that rule but I will be blatantly truthful. I want more so I can give more. I want a large screen tv so that I can have friends over to watch a movie. I want a car so I can go visit people or let people borrow the car. I give my tv’s away if I get a new one (free of charge). I got a new table given to me the other week. I gave ours away to someone who needed one. I want a ranch to raise cows, horses, food, make my own energy, and have people live on the property with us as an eco community. I want but only for the purpose of sharing and being independent of the corporations that exist.
I want power over my own life and in order to do that I need to get out from under the thumb of the corporations. There is where the bigger problem comes into existence. Big business is what our country is now based on. And big business runs government. So in order to get to a place where I am not dependant on big business I have to use big business to get enough money to separate from them. Or do I?
There has to be businesses out there that are doing it right. They are working within the community for the benefit of the community in a way that isn’t trying to take more then what it gives. There have to be Sustainable businesses[5] in existence. And these businesses are the ones I want to align myself with or even create. But again another challenge exists. Within the structure of our communities how can we create a sustainable business?
For instance, what about a coffee shop? Could we make this both practically and philosophically sustainable? What I mean is this: Does coffee serve a purpose to our community? Is there a trade off value for the community? For example, is paying money/items for coffee the best use for community resources?
Where does the coffee come from? Why do we need it? Are there more needed resources that should be sold/bartered. What about the communal aspect of a coffee shop? Is that a needed aspect to community? But do we have to have it in a business format? Could the community look at the business as a way of them helping the owner and at the same time the owner providing them with a place to congregate and philosophize?
(Taking a break from this….will write more late)
[1] Recognize that I am talking in generalities. Not every known business in the world is like this. Some business are legitimately trying their best to be ethical, loving, moral and a benfit to humanity. These business are the ones we should be looking to for an example.
[2] We give willingly because we have been lulled into the belief that we need what the corporation has to offer.
[3] And even though I am using words like corporation and business, remember, that its people running them. And so again corporations and businesses and hence why I believe that businesses are a ruse in order to make it 'okay' to be immoral in the treatment of others.
[4] This is the big problem. And oddly enough the realization of this came to me through playing video games. Whoever started the game at the beginning of its release (or even during beta testing) would be the people who ended up dominating the game world. In some games the server resets every so often to level the playing field again but in games like WOW you would see people out of frustration head to other servers that were new because on a new server they could become King.
[5] By sustainable businesses I mean businesses that are actually beneficial to the community who by that definition would be dealing with the culture, community and eco system in a sustainable way.
Being involved in the charitable end of business you would think that the above words would be a reflection of the 'NON' charitable side of business but you would be wrong. Those are direct statements over the years from people who run charitable organizations.
I guess I was raised by a mom who would give anything she had to someone who was in need. She has never been someone who is overly materialistic even though she is a pack rat! But the pack rat in her is more about nostalgia, memories, and remembering the good ol’ days.
My mom taught me that if someone needs your help.... you help. But I watch every day as business becomes the front for not having to help people. We can hide behind business, corporation, policies, bi-laws, all we want but the reality is always in our face that when we turn down helping people we just 'chose' not to help. It has nothing to do with business and everything to do with loving your neighbour.
And even loving your neighbour, in our culture, has seemed to have made a semantic transition of meaning. It no longer means give unconditionally. It means give to others so that you can build a good network of potential connections that will benefit your future.
Business is the anti-christ of our culture. It is the anti-community; the anti-healthy humanity; and the anti-good will towards man. For instance, business wants to help build culture but only if it increases revenue. Business wants to help community but only if it means happy customers that come back to buy more. Business wants to help humanity but only if it gets a tax receipt. And business will always be nice to its neighbour because that brings repeat customers[1].
Is this bad? Is it wrong? What I know for now is that we are living under a democratic corporate fascism under the guise of simple democracy. Corporations are destroying our world. Presently, they are here to plunder and take what they can from those of us who are willing to give[2]. And corporations are the idols of most businesses worldwide. Owners of businesses want to be the ones that are bringing in mass amounts of money. The small businesses are just smaller versions of their larger idol the 'corporation'.[3]
The one thing I liked about church was this. If the people didn’t like the leadership they spoke with their pocket books and their feet. You could simply stop giving or leave. And in both cases if one occurred on a mass scale the leadership was finished.
The problem with our society is that the rulers have put laws into place to throw us into jail if we stop paying taxes. And secondly, we can’t just up and walk out of the country ‘en masse’ because simply put, ‘There is no place to go!’.
So we are in a bit of a dilemma. The dilemma being, “How do we take back control of our lives, our communities and our countries, in the confines of corporate fascism?”
If we had a policy set in place that after every 7 years everyone’s balance got set back to zero and we all started over then maybe we could do it but alas that doesn’t exist.[4] Or if we could buy land somewhere and start our own communities apart from the government and big business then maybe we could do it. But again, what land and with what money?
And there is the other dilemma. Securing the money needed to get land or reducing the equation, getting the land. Where can someone without money either get money for the land or get the land without money without getting help from big business.
Everyone wants money and more of it. I am no exception to that rule but I will be blatantly truthful. I want more so I can give more. I want a large screen tv so that I can have friends over to watch a movie. I want a car so I can go visit people or let people borrow the car. I give my tv’s away if I get a new one (free of charge). I got a new table given to me the other week. I gave ours away to someone who needed one. I want a ranch to raise cows, horses, food, make my own energy, and have people live on the property with us as an eco community. I want but only for the purpose of sharing and being independent of the corporations that exist.
I want power over my own life and in order to do that I need to get out from under the thumb of the corporations. There is where the bigger problem comes into existence. Big business is what our country is now based on. And big business runs government. So in order to get to a place where I am not dependant on big business I have to use big business to get enough money to separate from them. Or do I?
There has to be businesses out there that are doing it right. They are working within the community for the benefit of the community in a way that isn’t trying to take more then what it gives. There have to be Sustainable businesses[5] in existence. And these businesses are the ones I want to align myself with or even create. But again another challenge exists. Within the structure of our communities how can we create a sustainable business?
For instance, what about a coffee shop? Could we make this both practically and philosophically sustainable? What I mean is this: Does coffee serve a purpose to our community? Is there a trade off value for the community? For example, is paying money/items for coffee the best use for community resources?
Where does the coffee come from? Why do we need it? Are there more needed resources that should be sold/bartered. What about the communal aspect of a coffee shop? Is that a needed aspect to community? But do we have to have it in a business format? Could the community look at the business as a way of them helping the owner and at the same time the owner providing them with a place to congregate and philosophize?
(Taking a break from this….will write more late)
[1] Recognize that I am talking in generalities. Not every known business in the world is like this. Some business are legitimately trying their best to be ethical, loving, moral and a benfit to humanity. These business are the ones we should be looking to for an example.
[2] We give willingly because we have been lulled into the belief that we need what the corporation has to offer.
[3] And even though I am using words like corporation and business, remember, that its people running them. And so again corporations and businesses and hence why I believe that businesses are a ruse in order to make it 'okay' to be immoral in the treatment of others.
[4] This is the big problem. And oddly enough the realization of this came to me through playing video games. Whoever started the game at the beginning of its release (or even during beta testing) would be the people who ended up dominating the game world. In some games the server resets every so often to level the playing field again but in games like WOW you would see people out of frustration head to other servers that were new because on a new server they could become King.
[5] By sustainable businesses I mean businesses that are actually beneficial to the community who by that definition would be dealing with the culture, community and eco system in a sustainable way.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The synopsis of biblical leaders (from the evangelical canon)
The snake, metaphorical or not, apparently rebelled against God (if this was Satan).
Eve, duped by the snake, disobeys God.
Adam, duped by Eve, disobeys God.
Cain kills Abel.
All are punished accordingly.
The snake loses his natural born right to walk.
Eve loses her natural born right not to feel pain during child birth.
Adam has to feel the pain of tilling the ground for his food. No more easy picking fruit for him.
God places some visible mark on Cain that tells people not to kill him. Oh and he had to move out of the land. God had to make sure the punishment fit the crime.
----
Noah, gets friggin drunk to the point where he passes out naked, and one of his sons laughs at him and tells his brothers. Well, Noah doesn't get punished but Ham sure as hell did. Hello curse! Great curse.... more about that later.
Babel people. Man they really messed up. They were devising a way to have a universal language. Bad idea peeps. God don't like it when people can apparently communicate with one another..... it could mean they would accomplish anything they set their hearts and minds to.
Abram lies to the pharaoh about Sarai being his sister. Pharaoh gets cursed because he likes Sarai.
So lets recap.
Noah gets drunk.... no punishment. Shem mocks him.... gets cursed.
Babel people build city and universal language and they get punished. Dispersement with new languages.
Abram lies and Pharaoh gets cursed. Holy shit. Lesson? We will get to that later.
----
Abram is given a maidservant by his wife. Gotta love a wife like that! He only did it to have a child. (I am sure he didn't enjoy any of it. Dreadful experience.)
Sarai hates her maidservant and starts beating her. The maidservant runs away with Ishmael (Abrams son).
Sarai laughs at God when God tells her she will have a baby at 90. He confronts her. She lies.
Sodom and Gomorrah. Well, they treated people poorly. Result? Nuke. Well, something similar to a nuke anyway. God played etch a sketch.
Lot was going to let the townspeople rape his daughters. Nice gesture. The townspeople wanted some other type of 'sex' apparently.
Lots wife, well she turned around, when God told her not to look back. Pillar of salt. She was the wanker who turned around.
Recap.
Abram has sex with his maidservant, with the permission of his wife. No punishment.
Sarai, beats on her maidserverant. No punishment.
Ishmael, the son, is blessed/cursed by God? He will be at war all the time.
Sarai lies to God. No punishment.
Sodom. Well, come on, they got what they had coming. Don't give to the poor. Get rained on by fire.
I guess its okay to offer your daughters as sex slaves. No punishment.
Lots wife. Reminds me of an old story. Eve perhaps? Will women never learn? It's like adding salt to the wound.... owie!
----
Lot, well he gets drunk one night and is so drunk that he can't recognize that his daughters
are the ones arousing his genetalia. He has sex with them.... both.... at 2 different x's. Ummm.....can we say.... what the hell?
Abram (now Abraham), has a prepencity for lying to Pharaohs about his wife. Guess what...the jackass did it again! Guess who got punished!? Does that make Abraham an asshole?
Sarai (now Sarah) tells Abraham to boot out Hagar and Ishmael. He does. Poor treatment of another human being comes to mind right about now.
Recap.
Incest and drunkeness. No punishement. For either time.
Can we say.... the wrong person keeps getting cursed? Abraham... loves a good prank!
Okay.... Sodom and Gomorah.... etch a sketch..... Sarah..... ......... ........... cough cough....... .......
Let's skip onto some other ones.
Isaac, Rebekah, Jacob and Esau, and Laban. Oh my god. Let's just call this story the day God stood still.
Samson. Has sex before marriage...lol. Kills dozens of people.
Elijah. Death to many prophets by fire.
Elisha. Some kids call him baldy. Death to kids who call men baldies!!!
Joseph is a messianic archetype so he does nothing wrong. Daniel is the same thing. Presented as perfect people. And then Jesus of Nazareth also presented as perfect.
Job.... too self involved... thinking he knows better then God. Errr..... hold on here.... didn't God make a cosmic bet with Satan to let Satan do anything with Job? Really? And we are okay with that? We are subject to God betting?
Moses. Oh good ol Moses. That poor bastard. Wandered around in a desert for 40 years because he didn't do something right. Well, he did murder someone but he didnt get punished by God for that. Unless tending sheep for a couple decades , meeting your wife and having kids, is punishment.
But get this... Moses hits the rock more times then what God stated (the adam eve thing again) and he doesn't get to go into the promised land that he had been wandering in the desert to get to for 40 years!!!!!
The Israelites or Mosites worship a gold statue. God opens the earth and kills half of them.
David. Sex, sex, and errrr more sex. Oh then lying. Cause it wasn't just sex... it was adultery. Oh and it wasn't just lying.... it then became murdering her husband. Punishment? His unborn child....dies. Sigh.
Solomon....considered the wisest man to ever live. And he got drunk, slept with prostitutes, wasted money, partied, had endless amounts of sex with hundreds of wives concubines and others. Worshipped other Gods. Punishment? Ya none.
----
So.....what are the lessons? I have no idea. It all seems like friggin chaos to me. Some people get punished for eating a fruit. Others get punished for hitting a rock. And then some people can friggin do almost the most criminal things imaginable with no God punishment. OR people can do horrid things but then others get punished because of their actions. That is a friggin pisser.
What I do find interesting is that the Israelites were going into kill the Canannites, who were their relatives and that this was a blessed action by God. Remember the curse on Ham? Ham was the father of Canaan. Well guess the curse is coming to fruition. Cause the Sons of Israel are coming to wipe out their cousins.
Anyway, the problems abound as I work through the weight of information that appears conflicting.
BUT to my main point for writing this. What I do find interesting is how Christians (not all but many in my circles) with the legacy, just presented, can stand in judgement of others when they make bad choices in life. All there leaders minus a few exceptions ie the fabled stories are 'fucked up'. They all made mistakes that were horendous.
The greatest problem with evangelical christians is the arrogance of thinking they are better then everyone else (including those amongst them who make bad choices in life). And sadly this has been taught considerably by the modernist who taught that they had the corner on the truth. For example, the bible is perfect. We have the perfect interpretation of the bible. Therefore we are perfect in our thinking and can judge people accordingly.
Every day I watch as people judge me for my bad choices in life, even though I have taken the steps to rectify my bad choices, made amends, etc. I watch as they talk to me, now, as if I am inferior to them. I see the disgust, the disdain, the arrogance, in their eyes, their gestures, their words. It almost becomes debilitating.
Some days you feel like killing yourself. Other days you feel like killing them. And some days you can live in the 'now' and move on. And still somedays I imagine myself preaching to them lambasting them for their arrogance.
I wish at times that I could just sit in a rustic coffee shop with people who wanted to talk about life, love, god, philosophy etc. while I sip on a coffee, laughing, crying, hoping, remembering, or simply quiet and listening.
Instead, I sit with pain, feeling judgment, being made to feel less then nothing, unsure of how to step away from the feelings. I know that thoughts are generated by the 'I' but the I is being influenced by the christian media of judgment right now. I need to figure out how to stop allowing the media to infiltrate the I or to filter it so the I is able to produce thoughts that are good. The thoughts I am having now are eating away at me. They are severing my connection to the 'WE' or to the god collective or whatever it is lol.
I guess in some ways what this is teaching me is that I was grossly dependant upon corporate religion in the same way that I am dependant on corporate oil, energy and agriculture. I must free myself of all these. I must tread a new path and build a new network based on love and not religion. I must build relationships that are fostered on a commitment to love not on a commitment to a denomination or faith group. To put dependance in a faith group forces a person to make decisions that may go contrary to their value systems if they wish to be supported and helped by that faith group. This is unhealthy and foolish.
Perhaps I will write more later.
Eve, duped by the snake, disobeys God.
Adam, duped by Eve, disobeys God.
Cain kills Abel.
All are punished accordingly.
The snake loses his natural born right to walk.
Eve loses her natural born right not to feel pain during child birth.
Adam has to feel the pain of tilling the ground for his food. No more easy picking fruit for him.
God places some visible mark on Cain that tells people not to kill him. Oh and he had to move out of the land. God had to make sure the punishment fit the crime.
----
Noah, gets friggin drunk to the point where he passes out naked, and one of his sons laughs at him and tells his brothers. Well, Noah doesn't get punished but Ham sure as hell did. Hello curse! Great curse.... more about that later.
Babel people. Man they really messed up. They were devising a way to have a universal language. Bad idea peeps. God don't like it when people can apparently communicate with one another..... it could mean they would accomplish anything they set their hearts and minds to.
Abram lies to the pharaoh about Sarai being his sister. Pharaoh gets cursed because he likes Sarai.
So lets recap.
Noah gets drunk.... no punishment. Shem mocks him.... gets cursed.
Babel people build city and universal language and they get punished. Dispersement with new languages.
Abram lies and Pharaoh gets cursed. Holy shit. Lesson? We will get to that later.
----
Abram is given a maidservant by his wife. Gotta love a wife like that! He only did it to have a child. (I am sure he didn't enjoy any of it. Dreadful experience.)
Sarai hates her maidservant and starts beating her. The maidservant runs away with Ishmael (Abrams son).
Sarai laughs at God when God tells her she will have a baby at 90. He confronts her. She lies.
Sodom and Gomorrah. Well, they treated people poorly. Result? Nuke. Well, something similar to a nuke anyway. God played etch a sketch.
Lot was going to let the townspeople rape his daughters. Nice gesture. The townspeople wanted some other type of 'sex' apparently.
Lots wife, well she turned around, when God told her not to look back. Pillar of salt. She was the wanker who turned around.
Recap.
Abram has sex with his maidservant, with the permission of his wife. No punishment.
Sarai, beats on her maidserverant. No punishment.
Ishmael, the son, is blessed/cursed by God? He will be at war all the time.
Sarai lies to God. No punishment.
Sodom. Well, come on, they got what they had coming. Don't give to the poor. Get rained on by fire.
I guess its okay to offer your daughters as sex slaves. No punishment.
Lots wife. Reminds me of an old story. Eve perhaps? Will women never learn? It's like adding salt to the wound.... owie!
----
Lot, well he gets drunk one night and is so drunk that he can't recognize that his daughters
are the ones arousing his genetalia. He has sex with them.... both.... at 2 different x's. Ummm.....can we say.... what the hell?
Abram (now Abraham), has a prepencity for lying to Pharaohs about his wife. Guess what...the jackass did it again! Guess who got punished!? Does that make Abraham an asshole?
Sarai (now Sarah) tells Abraham to boot out Hagar and Ishmael. He does. Poor treatment of another human being comes to mind right about now.
Recap.
Incest and drunkeness. No punishement. For either time.
Can we say.... the wrong person keeps getting cursed? Abraham... loves a good prank!
Okay.... Sodom and Gomorah.... etch a sketch..... Sarah..... ......... ........... cough cough....... .......
Let's skip onto some other ones.
Isaac, Rebekah, Jacob and Esau, and Laban. Oh my god. Let's just call this story the day God stood still.
Samson. Has sex before marriage...lol. Kills dozens of people.
Elijah. Death to many prophets by fire.
Elisha. Some kids call him baldy. Death to kids who call men baldies!!!
Joseph is a messianic archetype so he does nothing wrong. Daniel is the same thing. Presented as perfect people. And then Jesus of Nazareth also presented as perfect.
Job.... too self involved... thinking he knows better then God. Errr..... hold on here.... didn't God make a cosmic bet with Satan to let Satan do anything with Job? Really? And we are okay with that? We are subject to God betting?
Moses. Oh good ol Moses. That poor bastard. Wandered around in a desert for 40 years because he didn't do something right. Well, he did murder someone but he didnt get punished by God for that. Unless tending sheep for a couple decades , meeting your wife and having kids, is punishment.
But get this... Moses hits the rock more times then what God stated (the adam eve thing again) and he doesn't get to go into the promised land that he had been wandering in the desert to get to for 40 years!!!!!
The Israelites or Mosites worship a gold statue. God opens the earth and kills half of them.
David. Sex, sex, and errrr more sex. Oh then lying. Cause it wasn't just sex... it was adultery. Oh and it wasn't just lying.... it then became murdering her husband. Punishment? His unborn child....dies. Sigh.
Solomon....considered the wisest man to ever live. And he got drunk, slept with prostitutes, wasted money, partied, had endless amounts of sex with hundreds of wives concubines and others. Worshipped other Gods. Punishment? Ya none.
----
So.....what are the lessons? I have no idea. It all seems like friggin chaos to me. Some people get punished for eating a fruit. Others get punished for hitting a rock. And then some people can friggin do almost the most criminal things imaginable with no God punishment. OR people can do horrid things but then others get punished because of their actions. That is a friggin pisser.
What I do find interesting is that the Israelites were going into kill the Canannites, who were their relatives and that this was a blessed action by God. Remember the curse on Ham? Ham was the father of Canaan. Well guess the curse is coming to fruition. Cause the Sons of Israel are coming to wipe out their cousins.
Anyway, the problems abound as I work through the weight of information that appears conflicting.
BUT to my main point for writing this. What I do find interesting is how Christians (not all but many in my circles) with the legacy, just presented, can stand in judgement of others when they make bad choices in life. All there leaders minus a few exceptions ie the fabled stories are 'fucked up'. They all made mistakes that were horendous.
The greatest problem with evangelical christians is the arrogance of thinking they are better then everyone else (including those amongst them who make bad choices in life). And sadly this has been taught considerably by the modernist who taught that they had the corner on the truth. For example, the bible is perfect. We have the perfect interpretation of the bible. Therefore we are perfect in our thinking and can judge people accordingly.
Every day I watch as people judge me for my bad choices in life, even though I have taken the steps to rectify my bad choices, made amends, etc. I watch as they talk to me, now, as if I am inferior to them. I see the disgust, the disdain, the arrogance, in their eyes, their gestures, their words. It almost becomes debilitating.
Some days you feel like killing yourself. Other days you feel like killing them. And some days you can live in the 'now' and move on. And still somedays I imagine myself preaching to them lambasting them for their arrogance.
I wish at times that I could just sit in a rustic coffee shop with people who wanted to talk about life, love, god, philosophy etc. while I sip on a coffee, laughing, crying, hoping, remembering, or simply quiet and listening.
Instead, I sit with pain, feeling judgment, being made to feel less then nothing, unsure of how to step away from the feelings. I know that thoughts are generated by the 'I' but the I is being influenced by the christian media of judgment right now. I need to figure out how to stop allowing the media to infiltrate the I or to filter it so the I is able to produce thoughts that are good. The thoughts I am having now are eating away at me. They are severing my connection to the 'WE' or to the god collective or whatever it is lol.
I guess in some ways what this is teaching me is that I was grossly dependant upon corporate religion in the same way that I am dependant on corporate oil, energy and agriculture. I must free myself of all these. I must tread a new path and build a new network based on love and not religion. I must build relationships that are fostered on a commitment to love not on a commitment to a denomination or faith group. To put dependance in a faith group forces a person to make decisions that may go contrary to their value systems if they wish to be supported and helped by that faith group. This is unhealthy and foolish.
Perhaps I will write more later.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
'I'
How we are made I am unsure. How our minds and bodies work alludes me. I think and I know that I am thinking. So it would appear that my thoughts are separate from who I am. They are somehow a creation of my being. They only exist because I allow them to. And so it would appear that I am a creator of some kind. I can create thoughts that will bring about a vision of grandeur or thoughts that will tread upon my grave.
When I sit in quietness there is a restlessness that, metaphorically, tries to break through. Trying to clear the metaphor becomes problematic. Perhaps, simply speaking, it means 'the soul, the real me, the spiritual me, the being is trying to be displayed in action and thought.' Even as I describe this idea, my description is not me. That which creates the idea is the 'I'.
All description of the 'I' falls short because words are unable to express in completeness or with perfection what in fact the 'I' is.
What 'I' do perceive to be true is that the desires of 'I' are different then many of the present human displayed systems of ideologies, cutlural norms/moores, goals and values. The 'I' seems to desire peace, love, acceptance, tolerance, honesty, universal justice until justice is no longer needed because love is displayed by all, and unity in purpose and values. In other words, it appears the 'I' wants all that which could be defined as good to be displayed and thought.
This needs further contemplation. Or it simply needs quietness because it seems when 'I' am not bothered by the invited invaders of my life then I am.
When I sit in quietness there is a restlessness that, metaphorically, tries to break through. Trying to clear the metaphor becomes problematic. Perhaps, simply speaking, it means 'the soul, the real me, the spiritual me, the being is trying to be displayed in action and thought.' Even as I describe this idea, my description is not me. That which creates the idea is the 'I'.
All description of the 'I' falls short because words are unable to express in completeness or with perfection what in fact the 'I' is.
What 'I' do perceive to be true is that the desires of 'I' are different then many of the present human displayed systems of ideologies, cutlural norms/moores, goals and values. The 'I' seems to desire peace, love, acceptance, tolerance, honesty, universal justice until justice is no longer needed because love is displayed by all, and unity in purpose and values. In other words, it appears the 'I' wants all that which could be defined as good to be displayed and thought.
This needs further contemplation. Or it simply needs quietness because it seems when 'I' am not bothered by the invited invaders of my life then I am.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Relational Inconsiderations
Money is not the only thing that usury can be established with. People commit usury even within the simplest of transactions within relationships.
Fickle, is just a random synonym for lazy, afraid or inconsiderate.
To not follow through on verbal commitments is like eating and then regurgitating your food. In the same way your body never receives nourishment those on the receiving end of your promises never see them fulfilled.
To seek counsel from the wise and then not follow it is like receiving a priceless crystal vase as a gift and then smashing it in front of the giver.
Fickle, is just a random synonym for lazy, afraid or inconsiderate.
To not follow through on verbal commitments is like eating and then regurgitating your food. In the same way your body never receives nourishment those on the receiving end of your promises never see them fulfilled.
To seek counsel from the wise and then not follow it is like receiving a priceless crystal vase as a gift and then smashing it in front of the giver.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
John (J part 1)
I first met John in grade 9. It was my first day of highschool and I was terrified. Why? Well a bit of a story but allow me to catch you up. Back in grade 7 there was this big jerky kid who use to bully people around. His name was Derek McNair. He had a twin by the name of Daryl. But one day after a long hot day at school I hopped on the school bus that would take me on the same route I had been taking most of the year. This was the last day of school and thus my last bus ride until September.
When I got on the bus I headed to my usual seat. All of us usually sat in the same seat and all year I had sat in that seat. But this time a big galout by the name of Derek was sitting in my seat. This was a big move on Derek's part. He knew he was picking a fight by sitting in someone elses seat. It was culturally taboo to take another students seat! What was he thinking? Well, as I felt my face growing more inquisitive as I neared him. I simply asked him to move. He said, "Go fucking sit somewhere else." I said, "Derek that is my seat, go sit in your seat." Well apparently we had a guest on the last day of the school who was taking the bus with us. It was some kid who had been labeled all year as a nerd and he happened to be sitting in Dereks seat. BUT there was an open spot still because Derek had his own bench. He never shared with anyone whereas my bench was shared with one of my good friends.
Needless to say what occurred next changed my life. Derek told me to fuck off and then said, "What are you going to do about it?" Well, having older brothers had built up my fighting ability and even though Derek outweighed me by about 70 pounds that wasn't going to stop me from putting him in his place. I reached over the seat, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and yanked him over. I put him in a headlock and was choking him. When the bus driver saw the tussle he kicked us off the bus. The entire bus unloaded to watch the fight.
And so there we stood facing each other. I was so pissed off. This guy had been riding my ass since grade 5 and now I was going to make him pay for the 3 years of crap he had put me through. He came in with a swing and grazed my lip. The problem with that was I had braces. And a simple graze created a bit of blood. I stepped to the side put my leg out and through him to the ground. He stood back up and went to punch me again. I stepped to the side and tripped him to the ground.
This time the audience was yelling, "Jump on him!!" over and over. He got up and for a 3rd time I did the same thing. But this time I jumped on his back. Bad mistake. Somehow he ended up on top of me and there we laid for about 1 minute holding each others arms so that we couldn't punch one another.
A car pulls up and out steps two large guys. I told Derek to end it. It was a stalemate. He said he wouldn't get off unless I said I lost. I told him its a stalemate. The two large guys pulled Derek off and the fight ended.
What happened next was crazy. Everyone was looking at me like I had failed. Then the statements came out. Well Derek won. Zane gave up. Zane has blood on his lip. And I went down in infamy as the boy who got beat up by Derek.
For grade 8 I transferred to another school. Not because of Derek but because my family moved. But even at the new school everyone knew about the fight. It was crazy. And then when it came time for highschool my family had moved back into the area and I would be attending the school where all the people who saw the fight would be attending.
And so when I walked up to the doors of this new school that would house 1400 students, 300 of whom looked down on me because I apparently lost, I was terrified.
It was in this setting that I first met John. He was a friend of a friend of mine. The other friend was Ken West. John and him had known each other for a while. And I had known Ken since grade 4. Surprisingly, Ken was part of another story when I was 11 where I got in a fight with some other bullies. This time I was way out of my league. Oddly enough another pair of twins. What the hell is it with me and twins??
Anyway, these two guys were down the street and one of my friends came to my house saying the twins were causing trouble and picking on them. Well Ken at 11 looked like he was 16. He was huge! And so I got pretty cocky pretty quick and said, "Ken lets go!" Ken followed along. We hopped on our bikes and went down the 5 houses to the location where the twintastrophe was taking place. One of the twins immediately drove up to me and used his back tire to hit my bike. It was hard enough to throw me off balance. I dropped my bike and without hesitation dove into him and knocked him off his bike.
For a moment I was on top of him but only for a moment. Before I knew it he had basically pushed me up and stood up. And there I was facing this guy 2 years older then me. He looked like Goliath and I had no slingshot. And then I remembered Ken. I started backing up and told Ken to step in. Ken gave me a blank stare and wouldn't get off his bike. I couldn't believe it. Ken was the same size as this guy and he was terrified. I knew I was in trouble. And as i backed away from the twin my foot found the only fricking spot where there was loose sand.
And down on my ass I fell. I was thinking, "Ah hell.... of all the friggin luck. Of course I would hit the sand. Now I am going to get my ass trounced." But then all the sudden out of nowhere comes this ominous figure yelling in a high pitched god like, fire and hell is going to fall upon us way. And these two large hands proceeded to grab my hair and the hair of the twin. And THEN the hands began to bang our heads together. It hurt like hell. And then the voice rang clear. It was my mother.
My mother was no wimp. She grew up on a ranch and now for a living worked in the smelter using 75-125 pound jackhammers. She was beautiful but strong as an ox. And when my mother got a hold of you it was an apocalyptic event.
I was terrified yet relieved. Needless to say that was the end of the fight. And my re introduction to a guy who I thought was a giant but who was still a frightened boy on the inside. It would be a couple years later that I would find out why.
And so
When I got on the bus I headed to my usual seat. All of us usually sat in the same seat and all year I had sat in that seat. But this time a big galout by the name of Derek was sitting in my seat. This was a big move on Derek's part. He knew he was picking a fight by sitting in someone elses seat. It was culturally taboo to take another students seat! What was he thinking? Well, as I felt my face growing more inquisitive as I neared him. I simply asked him to move. He said, "Go fucking sit somewhere else." I said, "Derek that is my seat, go sit in your seat." Well apparently we had a guest on the last day of the school who was taking the bus with us. It was some kid who had been labeled all year as a nerd and he happened to be sitting in Dereks seat. BUT there was an open spot still because Derek had his own bench. He never shared with anyone whereas my bench was shared with one of my good friends.
Needless to say what occurred next changed my life. Derek told me to fuck off and then said, "What are you going to do about it?" Well, having older brothers had built up my fighting ability and even though Derek outweighed me by about 70 pounds that wasn't going to stop me from putting him in his place. I reached over the seat, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and yanked him over. I put him in a headlock and was choking him. When the bus driver saw the tussle he kicked us off the bus. The entire bus unloaded to watch the fight.
And so there we stood facing each other. I was so pissed off. This guy had been riding my ass since grade 5 and now I was going to make him pay for the 3 years of crap he had put me through. He came in with a swing and grazed my lip. The problem with that was I had braces. And a simple graze created a bit of blood. I stepped to the side put my leg out and through him to the ground. He stood back up and went to punch me again. I stepped to the side and tripped him to the ground.
This time the audience was yelling, "Jump on him!!" over and over. He got up and for a 3rd time I did the same thing. But this time I jumped on his back. Bad mistake. Somehow he ended up on top of me and there we laid for about 1 minute holding each others arms so that we couldn't punch one another.
A car pulls up and out steps two large guys. I told Derek to end it. It was a stalemate. He said he wouldn't get off unless I said I lost. I told him its a stalemate. The two large guys pulled Derek off and the fight ended.
What happened next was crazy. Everyone was looking at me like I had failed. Then the statements came out. Well Derek won. Zane gave up. Zane has blood on his lip. And I went down in infamy as the boy who got beat up by Derek.
For grade 8 I transferred to another school. Not because of Derek but because my family moved. But even at the new school everyone knew about the fight. It was crazy. And then when it came time for highschool my family had moved back into the area and I would be attending the school where all the people who saw the fight would be attending.
And so when I walked up to the doors of this new school that would house 1400 students, 300 of whom looked down on me because I apparently lost, I was terrified.
It was in this setting that I first met John. He was a friend of a friend of mine. The other friend was Ken West. John and him had known each other for a while. And I had known Ken since grade 4. Surprisingly, Ken was part of another story when I was 11 where I got in a fight with some other bullies. This time I was way out of my league. Oddly enough another pair of twins. What the hell is it with me and twins??
Anyway, these two guys were down the street and one of my friends came to my house saying the twins were causing trouble and picking on them. Well Ken at 11 looked like he was 16. He was huge! And so I got pretty cocky pretty quick and said, "Ken lets go!" Ken followed along. We hopped on our bikes and went down the 5 houses to the location where the twintastrophe was taking place. One of the twins immediately drove up to me and used his back tire to hit my bike. It was hard enough to throw me off balance. I dropped my bike and without hesitation dove into him and knocked him off his bike.
For a moment I was on top of him but only for a moment. Before I knew it he had basically pushed me up and stood up. And there I was facing this guy 2 years older then me. He looked like Goliath and I had no slingshot. And then I remembered Ken. I started backing up and told Ken to step in. Ken gave me a blank stare and wouldn't get off his bike. I couldn't believe it. Ken was the same size as this guy and he was terrified. I knew I was in trouble. And as i backed away from the twin my foot found the only fricking spot where there was loose sand.
And down on my ass I fell. I was thinking, "Ah hell.... of all the friggin luck. Of course I would hit the sand. Now I am going to get my ass trounced." But then all the sudden out of nowhere comes this ominous figure yelling in a high pitched god like, fire and hell is going to fall upon us way. And these two large hands proceeded to grab my hair and the hair of the twin. And THEN the hands began to bang our heads together. It hurt like hell. And then the voice rang clear. It was my mother.
My mother was no wimp. She grew up on a ranch and now for a living worked in the smelter using 75-125 pound jackhammers. She was beautiful but strong as an ox. And when my mother got a hold of you it was an apocalyptic event.
I was terrified yet relieved. Needless to say that was the end of the fight. And my re introduction to a guy who I thought was a giant but who was still a frightened boy on the inside. It would be a couple years later that I would find out why.
And so
Moving from Sniper to a Revolution Eco Living
So rather then Snipe Bush or the Rockefellers as appealing as that may be perhaps eco living is the alternative. Separating ourselves from the need of corporations is the key to taking back our lives.
And one of the ways we can do that is by utilizing the resources we have available to us right now. Uniting with 4-10 families, purchasing enough acreage to farm the land, raise cattle, pigs and chickens. Utilize wind, water and the sun for our energy. Creating a system that will maintain those 4-10 families in such a way that we would rid ourselves of our dependancy on corporate oil, agriculture and energy.
The challenge already visible is that corporations are trying their hardest to control the movement towards sustainable resources and the governments are figuring out ways to tax us. So to learn to create our own ways of utilizing renewable resources is key to our survival and existance. We must reeducate ourselves on how to grow our own food, how to replenish and replant seeds, how to build our own wells, how to build windmills, watermills, solar panels, hydrogen run motors (HHO systems), hygenic products like soap and toothpaste.
And the great thing is. It's all on the internet. Every ounce of information on how to do the above is available for viewing on Youtube and for download on other sites. Our revolution will not be with guns but with a separation of dependancy on the Corporation through alternative living.
We must remain involved in local politics. We must become lawyers, police officers, policital figures, government officials but we must choose to live in eco villages or micro communities that no longer need corporations. We must take back our lives by taking back power over our lives. We gave the power to them. Now is the time to take it back.
Learn. Do. Teach. That is the revolution. Let's take back our lives.
And one of the ways we can do that is by utilizing the resources we have available to us right now. Uniting with 4-10 families, purchasing enough acreage to farm the land, raise cattle, pigs and chickens. Utilize wind, water and the sun for our energy. Creating a system that will maintain those 4-10 families in such a way that we would rid ourselves of our dependancy on corporate oil, agriculture and energy.
The challenge already visible is that corporations are trying their hardest to control the movement towards sustainable resources and the governments are figuring out ways to tax us. So to learn to create our own ways of utilizing renewable resources is key to our survival and existance. We must reeducate ourselves on how to grow our own food, how to replenish and replant seeds, how to build our own wells, how to build windmills, watermills, solar panels, hydrogen run motors (HHO systems), hygenic products like soap and toothpaste.
And the great thing is. It's all on the internet. Every ounce of information on how to do the above is available for viewing on Youtube and for download on other sites. Our revolution will not be with guns but with a separation of dependancy on the Corporation through alternative living.
We must remain involved in local politics. We must become lawyers, police officers, policital figures, government officials but we must choose to live in eco villages or micro communities that no longer need corporations. We must take back our lives by taking back power over our lives. We gave the power to them. Now is the time to take it back.
Learn. Do. Teach. That is the revolution. Let's take back our lives.
The Quadune
I am constantly contemplating the tenants of my beliefs and am readily available to make the transition to what many may call 'universalism' or unitarian universalism. Although I am respectful of Christianity and it would be considered my doorway into what I am now calling the Quadune or maybe even the Quintidune I no longer believe that Christianity holds the only key to uniting with God.
I am working with the idea that we are part of the godhead hence the quadune but my challenge lies in that I am really unsure of any real separation of entities in the god dimension. Perhaps the Triune perspective is only important in our realm of existence but in the eternal realm of existence we are all simply god. But even within our realm I would argue that we become a part of the godhead when we utilize the keys to open the door to god. When we forgive ourselves, forgive others, release guilt, and choose to live a life of love we reconnect with what Christians call the godhead.
The Quadune would be only relevant within christian circles and quickly dismissed by most of their scholars, whether orthodox or evangelical . The Quadune would be a concept of including humans within the godhead.
The Quintidune would be a way of simply saying that the fifth part is simply all other gods and belief systems. Perhaps we should call it the Infinitune. In other words, all narrow roads lead to god :) The road is love. Love leads to god. love unites us. So any god of any faith that promotes love, forgiveness and reconciliation is part of the infinitune.
Or we could call it the Monotune. It's all the same god. And we are all them.
I am working with the idea that we are part of the godhead hence the quadune but my challenge lies in that I am really unsure of any real separation of entities in the god dimension. Perhaps the Triune perspective is only important in our realm of existence but in the eternal realm of existence we are all simply god. But even within our realm I would argue that we become a part of the godhead when we utilize the keys to open the door to god. When we forgive ourselves, forgive others, release guilt, and choose to live a life of love we reconnect with what Christians call the godhead.
The Quadune would be only relevant within christian circles and quickly dismissed by most of their scholars, whether orthodox or evangelical . The Quadune would be a concept of including humans within the godhead.
The Quintidune would be a way of simply saying that the fifth part is simply all other gods and belief systems. Perhaps we should call it the Infinitune. In other words, all narrow roads lead to god :) The road is love. Love leads to god. love unites us. So any god of any faith that promotes love, forgiveness and reconciliation is part of the infinitune.
Or we could call it the Monotune. It's all the same god. And we are all them.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Sniper Time?
That is what it really comes down to right now. The world is so full of people just striving for power, money, prestige, dominance or better to say those people are the ones in power right now. And literally, we are powerless to change the course of the countries. The only thing that I can change is what I do with myself and whether I will subject myself to believing that I need McDonalds, gas guzzling cars, pesticide laced food, a toilet that flushes whenever I want it to etc.
I have handed over my soul to the corporations of this world and i guess I am realizing I need to take it back. Somehow. but it's like an addiction with no alternative patch to help with the withdrawal. In fact it would almost seem that their is no way to even start the withdrawal process. I need food. I need to get to work. I need to have lights in my house. i think. Don't I. So what now. I could spend my entire paycheck paying for organic materials. I could leave my house for work an hour early to bike. I could put my kids on the back of the bike, 3 of them and my wife on the handlebars.
But in all honesty. I am ready to transition to another plane of reality. The reality that says, "Fuck the politicians and corporations and lets take back our lives." Put a sniper rifle in my hand and I would have no problem scoping out Bush, rockefeller etc. But then I would go to jail lol. And be subject to the world of anal probing.
I have handed over my soul to the corporations of this world and i guess I am realizing I need to take it back. Somehow. but it's like an addiction with no alternative patch to help with the withdrawal. In fact it would almost seem that their is no way to even start the withdrawal process. I need food. I need to get to work. I need to have lights in my house. i think. Don't I. So what now. I could spend my entire paycheck paying for organic materials. I could leave my house for work an hour early to bike. I could put my kids on the back of the bike, 3 of them and my wife on the handlebars.
But in all honesty. I am ready to transition to another plane of reality. The reality that says, "Fuck the politicians and corporations and lets take back our lives." Put a sniper rifle in my hand and I would have no problem scoping out Bush, rockefeller etc. But then I would go to jail lol. And be subject to the world of anal probing.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Objective Criticism of One's Own Views First (OC Part 1)
You are wrong! Wrong! My view is the right view. So get in line. The Bible is the inspired Word of God. It is Inerrant! It is infallible! Those who would oppose the Evangelical Canon are opposed to God. You are followers of the Devil. Catholics are going to hell! If you are not immersed in water you are not a follower of Christ. Creationism is the only correct theory....sorry now it's Intelligent Design. Any other view that would support Evolution in any capacity means you are of the Devil. Women can't be leaders! Women can be leaders only if led by men. Women must wear head coverings. Women don't have to wear head coverings. Alcohol is of the Devil. Jesus drank alcohol but it was non-alcoholic. Dancing is of the Devil. Certain tempos of music are of the Devil. And the list goes on and on and on and on and on.
But really some of the bigger challenges that are faced deal specifically with getting so focused on what others believe and never really assessing where ones own belief system originated from. Because I come from an 18 year experience with conservative evangelicalism (mainly in the fundamental baptist circle: Fellowship Baptists) I am more experienced in commenting on those experiences vs.... let's say the Islamic Faith.
Thus, for all of us, a couple central questions need to be asked. In our own system of beliefs:
How much time is spent criticizing the views and beliefs of others vs the critiquing of ones own belief system? How much time is spent actually looking at the historical, logical, epistemological, cultural accuracy of ones own views? How many of us have actually delved into finding out why we actually believe what we believe and whether those views are justifiable?
I would like to argue that if we are seeking truth[1] (however one defines truth) that one must first examine their own beliefs before they can properly and justifiably critique the views and beliefs of others[2]. Does that not make sense? Unless we know what we believe, why we believe it and how our tradition[3] came to teach what it does, or how it even came into existence, then how can we be critical of others views and beliefs?
So again, because the author of this article can only legitimately point out issues in his own beliefs with any degree of certainty this article will do just that. Thus, this article will focus on my conservative evangelical, fundamental, conservative views that over the course of 18 years have become non-conservative evangelical, non-fundamental, and non-conservative (in theology and practice). It will discuss in no succinct order that which I have learned over time concerning dialoguing, discussion, researching, questioning, reasoning, arrogance, humility, honesty, being willing to admit when you are wrong, not gloating when you are right, separating ideas from the individual, being a jackass, being a bigger jackass and then what I perceive to be of uttermost importance, love[4].
The Evangelical Canon, Human Involvement and Logical Fallacies
When I first became a follower of Christ I had no idea what I was getting myself into. At first I thought I was just reading a book that had a ton of wisdom in it that would teach me how to live morally and ethically. And it does and did. The Evangelical Canon[5] has a rich history of compilation. It is filled with stories of people from different cultures and their painstaking journey of both failure and success in discovering more about a God by the name YHWH. But where the challenge comes in isn’t, for me, so much what the Bible teaches, even though I believe, and can prove, there are contradictions and errors and huge philosophical and logical problems[6]. The challenge is in its formation.
One of the facts about my choice to become a follower of Christ and then to become a Baptist is that the two are not necessarily the same thing. I can be a follower of Christ without holding to Baptist doctrine, dogma, tradition or culture. But I cannot be a follower of Christ if I deny the core fundamental teachings of Jesus. There in lies the problem. How do we know what Jesus actually taught when we do not have any document written by him? And why do we trust that what the Evangelical Canon has to say about Jesus is accurate, true or without error? And for that matter why do we trust the people who compiled the canon?
One common argument given by conservative evangelicals[7] as to the formation of the canon is as follows. God had the Israelites who had an oral account of Creation, Flood, Babel, etc. And eventually Moses wrote the first 5 books which were inspired inerrant scriptures for God’s chosen people. Eventually, other books were added to the Old Testament as events occurred. Kings, Prophets, Wise men all had some inspired word from God to God’s people and God spoke to these people and inspired them to write down his messages. The books were perfect when written with NO mistakes. When the translations and copies were made some errors were made but nothing that would be considered problematic. Then Jesus came. He taught his disciples and eventually they wrote the stories and instructions for God’s people according to Jesus. As they wrote, they wrote perfectly. Their final copies were perfect and without error. The only errors would be in the translation and transmission process. And those errors, according to conservative evangelicals, are small and inconsequential to ones beliefs.
The argument continues that the Bible, as we have it today, was in circulation in the early church period (100-200 AD). And eventually, it was decided at some council to affirm the reality of the conservative evangelical writings and consider them a closed canon. And throughout this process, and this is key to their argument, the Holy Spirit was guiding it all. And finally, the bible affirms that it is God breathed and without error[8].
Now arguably, not every conservative evangelical[9] believes the above statement. But the greater majority of conservative evangelicals would follow that line of reasoning[10]. There are many problems and challenges with the above defense of the canon that this article couldn’t begin to address them all. There are hundreds of books written on the topic and I would encourage whoever is reading this to study until you know the issues.
Allow me to point out some of the basic problems. First, and foremost, much of the argumentation from conservative evangelicals for the establishment of the Evangelical Canon is purely speculative and subjective. Although they base some of their conclusions from letters of early church fathers[11], it would appear they have chosen people who agree with their view vs. letting all the documents speak into helping them establish a more cohesive, logical, rational view[12].
Also, the simple fact that it is argued that we know the bible is trustworthy because, “the Holy Spirit has ensured its accurate transmission and compilation through history.” is wrought with problems.
What about humans? Are we to believe that not one single person ever had false motives when writing passages of scripture. That when they were compiling and choosing texts that they were not choosing certain books/letters based on their cultural understanding of truth, reality, and humanity? Are we to believe that no decisions were politically motivated? Are we to believe that power and position didn’t play into its formation or canonization? Why would we think that humanity was any different back then vs now? Even within the stories of the gospels in their canon we see fights between Paul and Peter, Peter and Gentiles, Paul and Barnabus, disciples fighting for rank in heaven, and even disagreements on theology between Paul and James. And simply put, “Prove it!” It cannot be proven.
Secondly, the doctrinal contradictions abound in the bible but the majority of conservative evangelicals will deny this vehemently. Even pastors, who we would think should be educated in all matters concerning the formation of the canon and the problems of the canon are ignorant of the problems. And unlike proving the holy spirit guidance, and the unfettered, pure , undefiled motives, of authors and compilers, the contradictions and errors within the EC can be proven.
Thirdly, no where does the bible claim itself to be without error, perfect, infallible and even if it did it would be a circular argument to use it as a defense of their canon. And it would be a misrepresentation of the teachings they would ‘quote’ as a defense of infallibility.
For instance, the common passage quoted is 2 Timothy 3:16. It reads as follows:
16”All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness”
Evangelicals believe this passage defends the bible as they have it today. What they fail to do is logically walk through their problem. Here is how they see it:
Major Premise:
God is true (Romans 3:4).
Minor Premise:
God breathed out the Scriptures (2 Timothy 3:16).
Conclusion:
Therefore, the Scriptures are true (John 17:17).
First off, conservative evangelicals say God says he is true (according to the bible) so he must be true! This is a circular argument.[13] Next, they say, God inspired the scriptures, which infers that he inspired the authors to write exactly what He wanted them to write and thus their writings are true. This is all begging the question and thus has rather ‘impending doom’ implications on the conservative evangelical theory of inerrancy, infallibility and the forming and finalizing of the canon. It assumes no human authorship. It assumes that somehow God would interfere with free will so that humans couldn’t and wouldn’t make a mistake or do anything for selfish gain or out of ill motive. In other words, it assumes because God may be true humans are true. The argument cuts out the human element and thus makes the argument invalid.
And, on a side note, although not explicit in this particular syllogism, there is an understanding with conservative evangelicals that every follower of Christ has to agree with their syllogism or they are not a follower of Christ[14]. I call foul! A person doesn’t have to agree with their syllogism, especially when it is a blatant fallacy. And therefore, in regards to their conclusions on canon, inerrancy and infallibility that are based on an argument of fallacy, a person should not have to agree in order to be a follower of Christ. If they were able to prove that inerrancy, the EC, and infallibility were and are commanded by God to believe then it could be agreed that in order to be a follower of Christ you must believe in those issues. I am still waiting to see the commandments or even solid logical reasoning that would support that claim. To date, there is nothing.
Next, the disciple’s of Christ didn’t have the new testament in any compiled format until after the original disciples were all dead, so which scriptures were being referred to? The majority of scholars would agree that the Greek Septuagint of the Israelites was being used. And that the Hebrews revered the Septuagint on par with the Hebrew version. And this more then anything is a nail in the coffin of the modern day Evangelical Canon. The Septuagint has 13 more books in what conservative evangelicals call the Old Testament[15]. So if Paul, Peter, James, John, Matthew, Luke and Jesus himself (who quotes the Septuagint) etc were all reading or at least taught under the Septuagint as the inspired teachings from God why do conservative evangelicals then read a different OT?
Other problems are the lost books of the bible. There are at least 28 books in the bible that are mentioned, cited, and quoted that are not in the EC. Would this then mean that the EC is incomplete? Of course, the conservative evangelical would argue that God simply didn’t want them in the bible[16]. Sigh.
So to summarize:
The EC OT has 13 less books then the Septuagint, which was read by Christ and his disciples. The Hebrews put the Septuagint on par with the Hebrew version. There are 28 books cited in the bible as inspired[17] that are lost. Thus one could begin to formulate an argument that would conclude the EC is incomplete and therefore not perfect in its compilation. And one then could also begin to formulate an argument, or begin to reopen discussion, that would establish new possible perspectives on the canon, which books should be included or excluded, the issue of inerrancy, infallibility, the basic tenants of the faith, the purpose of the church, concepts of God, concepts of Jesus, and the list goes on.
And this is the real issue behind why, this paper argues, conservative evangelicals desperately defend inerrancy, infallibility and a closed canon. They are terrified that if they acknowledge their syllogistic fallacies they are opening themselves up to the possibility that their perspectives on ecclesiology, soteriology, theology, history etc. may be skewed or possibly wrong. And thus, perhaps the reason why conservative evangelicals are so focused on pointing out everyone else’s supposed mistakes in their belief systems. If they focus on everyone else they don’t have to see their views for what they are. Their views, concerning canon and innerancy, are weak, unsubstantiated, pharisaical, and illogical.
Starting From Arrogance, proselytizing from the Start
Because conservative evangelicals believe they have the final authoritative word of God in its perfect and complete form a high level of arrogance is observed when in dialogue. In fact, to use the word ‘dialogue’ when dealing with most conservative evangelicals is almost comical. Why? Because they believe they are right. They don’t believe that there is anything wrong with their views, their bible, or their faith. They believe they have found ultimate truth and thus anyone who doesn’t fall inline with their beliefs is going to hell. In fact, even amongst the different denominations it is quite often established, by some leaders of churches, that other people in other denominations are not actually followers of Christ. Why? Because the other denominations don’t agree with the same doctrines, whether that be on issues such as baptism, communion, canon, tongues, prophecy, women’s roles in the church and life and much more.
In fact, conservative evangelicals believe that non-followers are in fact incapable of doing anything that is truly good. They believe that non-followers always have hidden motives or are ultimately acting in a selfish manner. And they defend this from their interpretation of a number of passages within the EC like the following that state, “9The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked”[18]
So the biggest scam going, in my opinion, is the conservative evangelical who is trying to build relationships with people who are not followers of Christ. They are taught that they can not actually be close friends with these people (the people of the world) because they are not part of the family of God. But you can love them into the kingdom. Do nice things for them. Get to know them. They do this all for the purpose of converting them.
[1] Truth can be viewed in many different ways but for the purpose of this article truth will be viewed as that which can be proven to be factual. Also, this article will take a stance that truth is subject to reality, reality being that which is actual. For example, I exist, the earth exists, water exists, the ground exists. How these things exist is not the point of this article.
[2] By views and beliefs this article is referring to belief systems such as Evangelicalism, Protestantism, Catholicism, and Islamism. It is not referring to more simple views such as is coffee good for you or not although some of the principles could most assuredly be applied.
[3] Hinduism, Buddhism, Catholicism, Evangelicalism etc.
[4] Throughout this document you will see it refer to certain views held by evangelicals as ‘their views’. For approximately 15 years I considered their views my views. I no longer do hence why I utilize the term ‘their’.
[5] The evangelical canon contains 66 books from Genesis to Revelation contrary to the Catholic Canon which has 13 extra writings/books; the Luther Canon; Vulgate; Septuagint; Russian; Armenian; Syrian; Coptic etc. of which there is a compilation of books that agree or differ from the evangelical canon.
[6] The challenge with proving contradictions is dealing with a tactic utilized by evangelicals to explain away the supposed contradiction. For instance, if the bible says, God doesn’t change in one passage and it says he changes in another passage, the evangelical will quickly argue that the conflicting statements are for one of the following reasons: 1) A poetic device of some kind is being utilized and thus cannot be taken literally such as an anthropomorphism; 2) One or both passages are being taken out of context; 3) God is beyond our understanding and thus we cannot be sure of why there appears to be a contradiction; 4) Some archaeological study is yet to uncover a manuscript or find that will better explain the text and rid the said text of its apparent contradiction. It is often a near impossibility to have a reasonable dialogue with a conservative evangelical due to defences of this nature. Understanding, of course, that at times some of the above arguments may in fact be legitimate.
[7] Not necessarily scholars. Many scholars would argue differing views BUT the mainstream movement of evangelicals (James MacDonald; John McArthur and their pastors and church congregants) would agree with what is stated and going to be stated concerning their views of the bible.
[8] The Chicago statement on biblical inerrancy is probably the most concise explanation of evangelicals view on inerrancy. The Lausanne Covenant takes a less rigid stance on inerrancy but this is probably because the covenant is covering many doctrinal affirmations vs simply taking a stance on inerrancy.
[9] And this paper, when stating ‘evangelical’, is dealing mainly with fundament conservative baptists, namely the Fellowship Baptist found in Canada. But many denominations, Pentecostal, Brethren, Baptist, etc. are classified as evangelicals. Please see the Evangelical Fellowship of Canada and The National Association of Evangelicals statements of faith. Not all evangelicals are fundamentalists. Some would argue that there is a post evangelical movement of a group called the emergen church. Many of the scholars associated with the emergen church are a voice against the illogical stance of the evangelical fundamentalist but would still consider their group as evangelical.
[10] It may be argued, and this paper would agree, that there is a large disparity between scholar, church leader and congregant in terms of biblical concepts and conclusions. Scholars naturally have access to documents, conversations, debates, and education that the average pastor and congregant do not. Thus they are able to draw conclusions based on a much broader base of information. But this does not mean, therefore, that a scholar will necessarily have differing views from the pastor and congregant. It can be argued that the church is 15-20 years behind the discoveries of scholars thus the scholarly works of evangelicals may contradict those of the pastor and congregant but in time they will eventually come to the same conclusion or go completely in the opposite direction and take on a more fundamental perspective or they may just choose to remain the same.
[11] Please do research on the early church fathers and the council of Nicea which took place in 325 AD.
[12] The point being that evangelicals argue that other bibles, that would include more books, are heretical and evil. This creates a huge dilemma for them considering the catholic canon, the first official canon at the council of Nicea, had more books then the EC.
[13] This article recognized that almost any faith view is based off of circular reasoning but that does not negate that in regards to trying to establish the validity of the evangelical canon this causes huge logical problems.
[14] This argument is a whole other issue. I may discuss this later on in the paper.
[15] This term is considered highly insulting to a modern day Jew.
[16] This line of reasoning destroys all manner of dialogue. It is the God made me do it argument. God made it that the books wouldn’t be in the bible. That is how he wanted it. It’s an unreasonable line of reasoning and debate.
[17] Some scholars would argue that these cited books were not inerrant or necessarily inspired but the passages quoted became inerrant and inspired when quoted by the authors of the books included in the canon. Although a nice idea it is completely lacking of any evidence to substantiate the claim. A more logical thought would be that the books simply got lost and thus we cannot establish whether they should or should not be included. And this claim is defensible. The books are quoted. The books are not in the bible. And thus the EC may be incomplete.
[18] A popular defense when challenging them on this issue is, “Well the only good a person can do if they are not a follower of Christ would somehow be motivated by the Holy Spirit working on their hearts and thus it is still God who is rewarded with the good deed and not the human. Thus the human is still 100% sinful without the ability to good unless God intercedes in the action.”
But really some of the bigger challenges that are faced deal specifically with getting so focused on what others believe and never really assessing where ones own belief system originated from. Because I come from an 18 year experience with conservative evangelicalism (mainly in the fundamental baptist circle: Fellowship Baptists) I am more experienced in commenting on those experiences vs.... let's say the Islamic Faith.
Thus, for all of us, a couple central questions need to be asked. In our own system of beliefs:
How much time is spent criticizing the views and beliefs of others vs the critiquing of ones own belief system? How much time is spent actually looking at the historical, logical, epistemological, cultural accuracy of ones own views? How many of us have actually delved into finding out why we actually believe what we believe and whether those views are justifiable?
I would like to argue that if we are seeking truth[1] (however one defines truth) that one must first examine their own beliefs before they can properly and justifiably critique the views and beliefs of others[2]. Does that not make sense? Unless we know what we believe, why we believe it and how our tradition[3] came to teach what it does, or how it even came into existence, then how can we be critical of others views and beliefs?
So again, because the author of this article can only legitimately point out issues in his own beliefs with any degree of certainty this article will do just that. Thus, this article will focus on my conservative evangelical, fundamental, conservative views that over the course of 18 years have become non-conservative evangelical, non-fundamental, and non-conservative (in theology and practice). It will discuss in no succinct order that which I have learned over time concerning dialoguing, discussion, researching, questioning, reasoning, arrogance, humility, honesty, being willing to admit when you are wrong, not gloating when you are right, separating ideas from the individual, being a jackass, being a bigger jackass and then what I perceive to be of uttermost importance, love[4].
The Evangelical Canon, Human Involvement and Logical Fallacies
When I first became a follower of Christ I had no idea what I was getting myself into. At first I thought I was just reading a book that had a ton of wisdom in it that would teach me how to live morally and ethically. And it does and did. The Evangelical Canon[5] has a rich history of compilation. It is filled with stories of people from different cultures and their painstaking journey of both failure and success in discovering more about a God by the name YHWH. But where the challenge comes in isn’t, for me, so much what the Bible teaches, even though I believe, and can prove, there are contradictions and errors and huge philosophical and logical problems[6]. The challenge is in its formation.
One of the facts about my choice to become a follower of Christ and then to become a Baptist is that the two are not necessarily the same thing. I can be a follower of Christ without holding to Baptist doctrine, dogma, tradition or culture. But I cannot be a follower of Christ if I deny the core fundamental teachings of Jesus. There in lies the problem. How do we know what Jesus actually taught when we do not have any document written by him? And why do we trust that what the Evangelical Canon has to say about Jesus is accurate, true or without error? And for that matter why do we trust the people who compiled the canon?
One common argument given by conservative evangelicals[7] as to the formation of the canon is as follows. God had the Israelites who had an oral account of Creation, Flood, Babel, etc. And eventually Moses wrote the first 5 books which were inspired inerrant scriptures for God’s chosen people. Eventually, other books were added to the Old Testament as events occurred. Kings, Prophets, Wise men all had some inspired word from God to God’s people and God spoke to these people and inspired them to write down his messages. The books were perfect when written with NO mistakes. When the translations and copies were made some errors were made but nothing that would be considered problematic. Then Jesus came. He taught his disciples and eventually they wrote the stories and instructions for God’s people according to Jesus. As they wrote, they wrote perfectly. Their final copies were perfect and without error. The only errors would be in the translation and transmission process. And those errors, according to conservative evangelicals, are small and inconsequential to ones beliefs.
The argument continues that the Bible, as we have it today, was in circulation in the early church period (100-200 AD). And eventually, it was decided at some council to affirm the reality of the conservative evangelical writings and consider them a closed canon. And throughout this process, and this is key to their argument, the Holy Spirit was guiding it all. And finally, the bible affirms that it is God breathed and without error[8].
Now arguably, not every conservative evangelical[9] believes the above statement. But the greater majority of conservative evangelicals would follow that line of reasoning[10]. There are many problems and challenges with the above defense of the canon that this article couldn’t begin to address them all. There are hundreds of books written on the topic and I would encourage whoever is reading this to study until you know the issues.
Allow me to point out some of the basic problems. First, and foremost, much of the argumentation from conservative evangelicals for the establishment of the Evangelical Canon is purely speculative and subjective. Although they base some of their conclusions from letters of early church fathers[11], it would appear they have chosen people who agree with their view vs. letting all the documents speak into helping them establish a more cohesive, logical, rational view[12].
Also, the simple fact that it is argued that we know the bible is trustworthy because, “the Holy Spirit has ensured its accurate transmission and compilation through history.” is wrought with problems.
What about humans? Are we to believe that not one single person ever had false motives when writing passages of scripture. That when they were compiling and choosing texts that they were not choosing certain books/letters based on their cultural understanding of truth, reality, and humanity? Are we to believe that no decisions were politically motivated? Are we to believe that power and position didn’t play into its formation or canonization? Why would we think that humanity was any different back then vs now? Even within the stories of the gospels in their canon we see fights between Paul and Peter, Peter and Gentiles, Paul and Barnabus, disciples fighting for rank in heaven, and even disagreements on theology between Paul and James. And simply put, “Prove it!” It cannot be proven.
Secondly, the doctrinal contradictions abound in the bible but the majority of conservative evangelicals will deny this vehemently. Even pastors, who we would think should be educated in all matters concerning the formation of the canon and the problems of the canon are ignorant of the problems. And unlike proving the holy spirit guidance, and the unfettered, pure , undefiled motives, of authors and compilers, the contradictions and errors within the EC can be proven.
Thirdly, no where does the bible claim itself to be without error, perfect, infallible and even if it did it would be a circular argument to use it as a defense of their canon. And it would be a misrepresentation of the teachings they would ‘quote’ as a defense of infallibility.
For instance, the common passage quoted is 2 Timothy 3:16. It reads as follows:
16”All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness”
Evangelicals believe this passage defends the bible as they have it today. What they fail to do is logically walk through their problem. Here is how they see it:
Major Premise:
God is true (Romans 3:4).
Minor Premise:
God breathed out the Scriptures (2 Timothy 3:16).
Conclusion:
Therefore, the Scriptures are true (John 17:17).
First off, conservative evangelicals say God says he is true (according to the bible) so he must be true! This is a circular argument.[13] Next, they say, God inspired the scriptures, which infers that he inspired the authors to write exactly what He wanted them to write and thus their writings are true. This is all begging the question and thus has rather ‘impending doom’ implications on the conservative evangelical theory of inerrancy, infallibility and the forming and finalizing of the canon. It assumes no human authorship. It assumes that somehow God would interfere with free will so that humans couldn’t and wouldn’t make a mistake or do anything for selfish gain or out of ill motive. In other words, it assumes because God may be true humans are true. The argument cuts out the human element and thus makes the argument invalid.
And, on a side note, although not explicit in this particular syllogism, there is an understanding with conservative evangelicals that every follower of Christ has to agree with their syllogism or they are not a follower of Christ[14]. I call foul! A person doesn’t have to agree with their syllogism, especially when it is a blatant fallacy. And therefore, in regards to their conclusions on canon, inerrancy and infallibility that are based on an argument of fallacy, a person should not have to agree in order to be a follower of Christ. If they were able to prove that inerrancy, the EC, and infallibility were and are commanded by God to believe then it could be agreed that in order to be a follower of Christ you must believe in those issues. I am still waiting to see the commandments or even solid logical reasoning that would support that claim. To date, there is nothing.
Next, the disciple’s of Christ didn’t have the new testament in any compiled format until after the original disciples were all dead, so which scriptures were being referred to? The majority of scholars would agree that the Greek Septuagint of the Israelites was being used. And that the Hebrews revered the Septuagint on par with the Hebrew version. And this more then anything is a nail in the coffin of the modern day Evangelical Canon. The Septuagint has 13 more books in what conservative evangelicals call the Old Testament[15]. So if Paul, Peter, James, John, Matthew, Luke and Jesus himself (who quotes the Septuagint) etc were all reading or at least taught under the Septuagint as the inspired teachings from God why do conservative evangelicals then read a different OT?
Other problems are the lost books of the bible. There are at least 28 books in the bible that are mentioned, cited, and quoted that are not in the EC. Would this then mean that the EC is incomplete? Of course, the conservative evangelical would argue that God simply didn’t want them in the bible[16]. Sigh.
So to summarize:
The EC OT has 13 less books then the Septuagint, which was read by Christ and his disciples. The Hebrews put the Septuagint on par with the Hebrew version. There are 28 books cited in the bible as inspired[17] that are lost. Thus one could begin to formulate an argument that would conclude the EC is incomplete and therefore not perfect in its compilation. And one then could also begin to formulate an argument, or begin to reopen discussion, that would establish new possible perspectives on the canon, which books should be included or excluded, the issue of inerrancy, infallibility, the basic tenants of the faith, the purpose of the church, concepts of God, concepts of Jesus, and the list goes on.
And this is the real issue behind why, this paper argues, conservative evangelicals desperately defend inerrancy, infallibility and a closed canon. They are terrified that if they acknowledge their syllogistic fallacies they are opening themselves up to the possibility that their perspectives on ecclesiology, soteriology, theology, history etc. may be skewed or possibly wrong. And thus, perhaps the reason why conservative evangelicals are so focused on pointing out everyone else’s supposed mistakes in their belief systems. If they focus on everyone else they don’t have to see their views for what they are. Their views, concerning canon and innerancy, are weak, unsubstantiated, pharisaical, and illogical.
Starting From Arrogance, proselytizing from the Start
Because conservative evangelicals believe they have the final authoritative word of God in its perfect and complete form a high level of arrogance is observed when in dialogue. In fact, to use the word ‘dialogue’ when dealing with most conservative evangelicals is almost comical. Why? Because they believe they are right. They don’t believe that there is anything wrong with their views, their bible, or their faith. They believe they have found ultimate truth and thus anyone who doesn’t fall inline with their beliefs is going to hell. In fact, even amongst the different denominations it is quite often established, by some leaders of churches, that other people in other denominations are not actually followers of Christ. Why? Because the other denominations don’t agree with the same doctrines, whether that be on issues such as baptism, communion, canon, tongues, prophecy, women’s roles in the church and life and much more.
In fact, conservative evangelicals believe that non-followers are in fact incapable of doing anything that is truly good. They believe that non-followers always have hidden motives or are ultimately acting in a selfish manner. And they defend this from their interpretation of a number of passages within the EC like the following that state, “9The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked”[18]
So the biggest scam going, in my opinion, is the conservative evangelical who is trying to build relationships with people who are not followers of Christ. They are taught that they can not actually be close friends with these people (the people of the world) because they are not part of the family of God. But you can love them into the kingdom. Do nice things for them. Get to know them. They do this all for the purpose of converting them.
[1] Truth can be viewed in many different ways but for the purpose of this article truth will be viewed as that which can be proven to be factual. Also, this article will take a stance that truth is subject to reality, reality being that which is actual. For example, I exist, the earth exists, water exists, the ground exists. How these things exist is not the point of this article.
[2] By views and beliefs this article is referring to belief systems such as Evangelicalism, Protestantism, Catholicism, and Islamism. It is not referring to more simple views such as is coffee good for you or not although some of the principles could most assuredly be applied.
[3] Hinduism, Buddhism, Catholicism, Evangelicalism etc.
[4] Throughout this document you will see it refer to certain views held by evangelicals as ‘their views’. For approximately 15 years I considered their views my views. I no longer do hence why I utilize the term ‘their’.
[5] The evangelical canon contains 66 books from Genesis to Revelation contrary to the Catholic Canon which has 13 extra writings/books; the Luther Canon; Vulgate; Septuagint; Russian; Armenian; Syrian; Coptic etc. of which there is a compilation of books that agree or differ from the evangelical canon.
[6] The challenge with proving contradictions is dealing with a tactic utilized by evangelicals to explain away the supposed contradiction. For instance, if the bible says, God doesn’t change in one passage and it says he changes in another passage, the evangelical will quickly argue that the conflicting statements are for one of the following reasons: 1) A poetic device of some kind is being utilized and thus cannot be taken literally such as an anthropomorphism; 2) One or both passages are being taken out of context; 3) God is beyond our understanding and thus we cannot be sure of why there appears to be a contradiction; 4) Some archaeological study is yet to uncover a manuscript or find that will better explain the text and rid the said text of its apparent contradiction. It is often a near impossibility to have a reasonable dialogue with a conservative evangelical due to defences of this nature. Understanding, of course, that at times some of the above arguments may in fact be legitimate.
[7] Not necessarily scholars. Many scholars would argue differing views BUT the mainstream movement of evangelicals (James MacDonald; John McArthur and their pastors and church congregants) would agree with what is stated and going to be stated concerning their views of the bible.
[8] The Chicago statement on biblical inerrancy is probably the most concise explanation of evangelicals view on inerrancy. The Lausanne Covenant takes a less rigid stance on inerrancy but this is probably because the covenant is covering many doctrinal affirmations vs simply taking a stance on inerrancy.
[9] And this paper, when stating ‘evangelical’, is dealing mainly with fundament conservative baptists, namely the Fellowship Baptist found in Canada. But many denominations, Pentecostal, Brethren, Baptist, etc. are classified as evangelicals. Please see the Evangelical Fellowship of Canada and The National Association of Evangelicals statements of faith. Not all evangelicals are fundamentalists. Some would argue that there is a post evangelical movement of a group called the emergen church. Many of the scholars associated with the emergen church are a voice against the illogical stance of the evangelical fundamentalist but would still consider their group as evangelical.
[10] It may be argued, and this paper would agree, that there is a large disparity between scholar, church leader and congregant in terms of biblical concepts and conclusions. Scholars naturally have access to documents, conversations, debates, and education that the average pastor and congregant do not. Thus they are able to draw conclusions based on a much broader base of information. But this does not mean, therefore, that a scholar will necessarily have differing views from the pastor and congregant. It can be argued that the church is 15-20 years behind the discoveries of scholars thus the scholarly works of evangelicals may contradict those of the pastor and congregant but in time they will eventually come to the same conclusion or go completely in the opposite direction and take on a more fundamental perspective or they may just choose to remain the same.
[11] Please do research on the early church fathers and the council of Nicea which took place in 325 AD.
[12] The point being that evangelicals argue that other bibles, that would include more books, are heretical and evil. This creates a huge dilemma for them considering the catholic canon, the first official canon at the council of Nicea, had more books then the EC.
[13] This article recognized that almost any faith view is based off of circular reasoning but that does not negate that in regards to trying to establish the validity of the evangelical canon this causes huge logical problems.
[14] This argument is a whole other issue. I may discuss this later on in the paper.
[15] This term is considered highly insulting to a modern day Jew.
[16] This line of reasoning destroys all manner of dialogue. It is the God made me do it argument. God made it that the books wouldn’t be in the bible. That is how he wanted it. It’s an unreasonable line of reasoning and debate.
[17] Some scholars would argue that these cited books were not inerrant or necessarily inspired but the passages quoted became inerrant and inspired when quoted by the authors of the books included in the canon. Although a nice idea it is completely lacking of any evidence to substantiate the claim. A more logical thought would be that the books simply got lost and thus we cannot establish whether they should or should not be included. And this claim is defensible. The books are quoted. The books are not in the bible. And thus the EC may be incomplete.
[18] A popular defense when challenging them on this issue is, “Well the only good a person can do if they are not a follower of Christ would somehow be motivated by the Holy Spirit working on their hearts and thus it is still God who is rewarded with the good deed and not the human. Thus the human is still 100% sinful without the ability to good unless God intercedes in the action.”
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Cats only have one life (DT part 2)
I don’t remember where we had went but our family headed out on a vacation somewhere. It was my brother Bruce, my step dad, and my mother. My brother Paul was left home alone. Where the story takes off is not when I was on vacation but when I returned from our little trip.
Even though my cat was a bastard for killing the mouse I still loved him. It was about a year after my cats murderous rampage but really I had forgiven him for giving into his natural instincts. I realized it wasn’t his fault he was made that way. That is who he was. He was born to kill and eat small creatures. So I let bygones be bygones and we began to chum it up not long after the demise of my friend the mouse.
We pulled up to our trailer only to see Paul sitting outside on the steps with a really sad look to him. His shoulders were slumped over and when he looked up at us he only smiled slightly. As we approached him he stood up and tears started coming out of his eyes. The door to the trailer was open and usually upon arrival my cat would be greeting my leg with his usual massage techniques. I quickly asked where he was. Paul, said, “Zane I am sorry but the cat is dead.” My heart sank. What the hell?? What did he mean he was dead. “How?! How did he die?!” I cried.
Paul explained that he had some friends over and they were fooling around. One of the guys pushed Paul out the door of the trailer and he fell down the stairs. Awaiting him at the bottom was my cat sitting on a steel grate. Needless to say Paul landed on him and broke the cats back. He then explained he had to put him out of his misery. Paul hugged me and said sorry. I forgave him. I knew he felt bad. I didn’t want him to feel bad. He picked me up and just held me for a bit. He then walked me to where he buried him and with tears streaming down my face I said my goodbyes.
This was yet another part of trying to make sense of a world that didn’t seem to make sense. Why do things die? Why do I feel pain? This was only a stepping stone.
Even though my cat was a bastard for killing the mouse I still loved him. It was about a year after my cats murderous rampage but really I had forgiven him for giving into his natural instincts. I realized it wasn’t his fault he was made that way. That is who he was. He was born to kill and eat small creatures. So I let bygones be bygones and we began to chum it up not long after the demise of my friend the mouse.
We pulled up to our trailer only to see Paul sitting outside on the steps with a really sad look to him. His shoulders were slumped over and when he looked up at us he only smiled slightly. As we approached him he stood up and tears started coming out of his eyes. The door to the trailer was open and usually upon arrival my cat would be greeting my leg with his usual massage techniques. I quickly asked where he was. Paul, said, “Zane I am sorry but the cat is dead.” My heart sank. What the hell?? What did he mean he was dead. “How?! How did he die?!” I cried.
Paul explained that he had some friends over and they were fooling around. One of the guys pushed Paul out the door of the trailer and he fell down the stairs. Awaiting him at the bottom was my cat sitting on a steel grate. Needless to say Paul landed on him and broke the cats back. He then explained he had to put him out of his misery. Paul hugged me and said sorry. I forgave him. I knew he felt bad. I didn’t want him to feel bad. He picked me up and just held me for a bit. He then walked me to where he buried him and with tears streaming down my face I said my goodbyes.
This was yet another part of trying to make sense of a world that didn’t seem to make sense. Why do things die? Why do I feel pain? This was only a stepping stone.
Death as a Teacher (DT part 1)
As a small boy of about 5 I had my first encounter with death. It wasn’t a person. It was simply a mouse. It was a field mouse at that…. Not even a pet mouse. Well it became my pet for a few days but needless to say it wasn’t bought at the local pet shop.
I lived in a small trailer park in Opportunity, Montana. Population approx. 200. Apparently, only a few families got taken in by the name. This little town was a few miles outside of Anaconda which housed the largest smelter stack in the world (at the time). And at one point Anaconda was a booming little town but that is a story that I will not divulge at this point.
My trailer park sat across from a field that had a coral for cows. There was a large batch of trees on the far end of the field with a stream that ran for miles. Many a day was spent building forts in the trees and fishing in the streams. Not to mention the occasional swim on hot summer days.
Well during one of those summer days I found myself alone with nothing to do. I went outside to the back of the trailer where there was a fence that separated the trailer park property from an old couple’s large house and their land. They had a huge field of grass that was about 4 feet in height.
As I stood at the fence, I noticed a hole at the base of the grass. The hole was like a doorway into the grassy field. Out of this doorway popped the head of a little field mouse. Oddly enough the mouse didn’t run. It just sat and stared at me. Maybe it was in shock, thinking “Holy Shit….he is huge! What the hell do I do now?” Either way, I knelt down and stared at this mouse who was either brave or frozen in fear. Before I knew it the mouse started coming out towards me. And before long I had a summer friend that I visited each day for an hour or so. He was always there when I would visit.
It was only a few days later when I came out to play with my new found friend that I found a bloodied chewed up corpse with my cat sitting idly by. I swear the cat had a smug grin of gloating satisfaction that he had caught his unsuspecting prey. All I could think was ‘the cat is a bastard’.
What caught me off guard was how sad I became. It was the first memory I have of actually feeling like I was losing something I could never get back. And for the first time I cried because of that loss. It wasn’t like losing a watch or even a friend. With both of those there was the possibility of retrieval. But this time it was final. I recognized that nothing was bringing that mouse back to life and nothing could change what had occurred. It was final. And that is where the sadness came from. No control. No say. Nothing. All I could do was cry.
What I didn’t know at that point was that this little mouse was merely preparation for something that would become much more significant in my life. That little mouse would become the beginning of a life long lesson.
I lived in a small trailer park in Opportunity, Montana. Population approx. 200. Apparently, only a few families got taken in by the name. This little town was a few miles outside of Anaconda which housed the largest smelter stack in the world (at the time). And at one point Anaconda was a booming little town but that is a story that I will not divulge at this point.
My trailer park sat across from a field that had a coral for cows. There was a large batch of trees on the far end of the field with a stream that ran for miles. Many a day was spent building forts in the trees and fishing in the streams. Not to mention the occasional swim on hot summer days.
Well during one of those summer days I found myself alone with nothing to do. I went outside to the back of the trailer where there was a fence that separated the trailer park property from an old couple’s large house and their land. They had a huge field of grass that was about 4 feet in height.
As I stood at the fence, I noticed a hole at the base of the grass. The hole was like a doorway into the grassy field. Out of this doorway popped the head of a little field mouse. Oddly enough the mouse didn’t run. It just sat and stared at me. Maybe it was in shock, thinking “Holy Shit….he is huge! What the hell do I do now?” Either way, I knelt down and stared at this mouse who was either brave or frozen in fear. Before I knew it the mouse started coming out towards me. And before long I had a summer friend that I visited each day for an hour or so. He was always there when I would visit.
It was only a few days later when I came out to play with my new found friend that I found a bloodied chewed up corpse with my cat sitting idly by. I swear the cat had a smug grin of gloating satisfaction that he had caught his unsuspecting prey. All I could think was ‘the cat is a bastard’.
What caught me off guard was how sad I became. It was the first memory I have of actually feeling like I was losing something I could never get back. And for the first time I cried because of that loss. It wasn’t like losing a watch or even a friend. With both of those there was the possibility of retrieval. But this time it was final. I recognized that nothing was bringing that mouse back to life and nothing could change what had occurred. It was final. And that is where the sadness came from. No control. No say. Nothing. All I could do was cry.
What I didn’t know at that point was that this little mouse was merely preparation for something that would become much more significant in my life. That little mouse would become the beginning of a life long lesson.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Coin Boy (LE Part 3)
So what occurred that would change my life forever. It was coin boy. It's what I called him after that day. I use to know his name back then but as my memory banks continue to get filled up with more and more stories the only name I remember for him is coin boy.
I had been a follower of Christ for about a year at this point. It was just a normal day at highschool. I was in the cafeteria having my lunch, laughing and talking with people. I was wearing my red and white wrestling boots as I munched down on my burger and fries. Upon wafting down my last bite I got up to go for a walk. I began heading down the walkway that was between 'the rail' (the cool place to hang out) and the 10 rows of lockers on the left. Up ahead I could hear laughing and could see a few guys standing in what appeared to be a circle. As I rounded the corner I saw pennies leaving the hands of the guys standing in a circle around this young boy. The 'entertainment', who is 'Coin Boy', was picking up the coins as the jackasses continued to throw the coins to the ground. I fucking lost it. I was ready to rip the heads off of each of those boys and they knew it. I was known in the highschool as one of the guys never to fight. I had a history of being able to hold my own against some of the toughest guys in town (Which really was more rumor then reality. I was tough but not that tough. It's funny how people can take a couple stories and turn them into legends). Why so angry?
Coin boy was a bit autistic. He was part of the foster care program and had a lot of issues both mental and emotional. Every day coin boy would go around looking for coins to buy himself lunch. A few of us in the school would buy him lunch or give him some money. I had spoken a number of times with him about his life and heard his stories of woe. He didn't have an easy life and he didn't ask to be the person he is. His parents or lack thereof made him this way. God made him this way. Life made him this way. He had no fucking chance of being anything but coin boy.
So when I turned that corner and saw that this privileged, smart, some athletic, group of jackasses were treating another human being like a friggin piece of shit I lost it. At the top of my lungs, in a school that houses 1400 students, the entire commons area and lunch room quieted as I went on a diatribe of righteous anger. I bent down and began picking up the pennies for coin boy. He said, "Thank you."
The boys went sheepish, said sorry, and then quickly dispersed. I was so angry that people could treat another human being so poorly. I didn't know what to do after that. I was literally a wreck. It made no sense. People were beginning to make no sense. Why would we treat people like that. Like garbage. Like they are nothing but entertainment put here for us to treat however we want.
As I continued down the hallway what occurred next began my journey into evangelicalism.
I had been a follower of Christ for about a year at this point. It was just a normal day at highschool. I was in the cafeteria having my lunch, laughing and talking with people. I was wearing my red and white wrestling boots as I munched down on my burger and fries. Upon wafting down my last bite I got up to go for a walk. I began heading down the walkway that was between 'the rail' (the cool place to hang out) and the 10 rows of lockers on the left. Up ahead I could hear laughing and could see a few guys standing in what appeared to be a circle. As I rounded the corner I saw pennies leaving the hands of the guys standing in a circle around this young boy. The 'entertainment', who is 'Coin Boy', was picking up the coins as the jackasses continued to throw the coins to the ground. I fucking lost it. I was ready to rip the heads off of each of those boys and they knew it. I was known in the highschool as one of the guys never to fight. I had a history of being able to hold my own against some of the toughest guys in town (Which really was more rumor then reality. I was tough but not that tough. It's funny how people can take a couple stories and turn them into legends). Why so angry?
Coin boy was a bit autistic. He was part of the foster care program and had a lot of issues both mental and emotional. Every day coin boy would go around looking for coins to buy himself lunch. A few of us in the school would buy him lunch or give him some money. I had spoken a number of times with him about his life and heard his stories of woe. He didn't have an easy life and he didn't ask to be the person he is. His parents or lack thereof made him this way. God made him this way. Life made him this way. He had no fucking chance of being anything but coin boy.
So when I turned that corner and saw that this privileged, smart, some athletic, group of jackasses were treating another human being like a friggin piece of shit I lost it. At the top of my lungs, in a school that houses 1400 students, the entire commons area and lunch room quieted as I went on a diatribe of righteous anger. I bent down and began picking up the pennies for coin boy. He said, "Thank you."
The boys went sheepish, said sorry, and then quickly dispersed. I was so angry that people could treat another human being so poorly. I didn't know what to do after that. I was literally a wreck. It made no sense. People were beginning to make no sense. Why would we treat people like that. Like garbage. Like they are nothing but entertainment put here for us to treat however we want.
As I continued down the hallway what occurred next began my journey into evangelicalism.
Leaving Evangelicalism the Short Backstory (LE Part 2)
It's funny that I have a post relaying my decision to leave evangelical Christianity when I have no back story to explain how I got to this point. This decision is not one that came suddenly or lightly. It is one that has been frought with a couple years of reflection, introspection and critical thinking.
To give some back story I have been a follower of Christ for 18 years. I did not grow up going to church regularly (only at Christmas, Easter etc. and even then not every year). I grew up being taught there is a God and that Jesus was his son. My mom made me memorize the nicene creed and prayed with me before bed when she wasn't working. So to say that I didn't have a predisposition to Christianity would be silly.
But it wasn't until I turned 18 and made a decision to become a follower of Christ that my journey became religious in nature. At first, my reasons for following the traditional method of becoming a follower, ie confess, ask forgiveness and repent and then ask for the holy spirit to enter me, was simply that a book told me that is how I had to do it. So I did and to be honest it was probably the most freeing experience I had ever experienced in my life up until that point and really for the next 18 years.
I decided that I should read the bible because if their was going to be a place I could find out how to live my life the bible should have something to say about it. And man did it ever. It told me how to forgive people, how to love, how to deal with angry, hateful people, etc etc. I read that book every day and night. I would read it for hours, memorizing certain passages on morality and ethics.
I started to turn my life around (read other blog posts to find out history). I went back to school. Stopped doing drugs. Stopped sleeping around. I got serious about life or maybe a better way of saying it is that I got serious about loving people.
And then one day in highschool something occurred that would change my life forever. It would set me on a course of discovery that has eventually led me to where I am now. Leaving Evangelicalism.
To give some back story I have been a follower of Christ for 18 years. I did not grow up going to church regularly (only at Christmas, Easter etc. and even then not every year). I grew up being taught there is a God and that Jesus was his son. My mom made me memorize the nicene creed and prayed with me before bed when she wasn't working. So to say that I didn't have a predisposition to Christianity would be silly.
But it wasn't until I turned 18 and made a decision to become a follower of Christ that my journey became religious in nature. At first, my reasons for following the traditional method of becoming a follower, ie confess, ask forgiveness and repent and then ask for the holy spirit to enter me, was simply that a book told me that is how I had to do it. So I did and to be honest it was probably the most freeing experience I had ever experienced in my life up until that point and really for the next 18 years.
I decided that I should read the bible because if their was going to be a place I could find out how to live my life the bible should have something to say about it. And man did it ever. It told me how to forgive people, how to love, how to deal with angry, hateful people, etc etc. I read that book every day and night. I would read it for hours, memorizing certain passages on morality and ethics.
I started to turn my life around (read other blog posts to find out history). I went back to school. Stopped doing drugs. Stopped sleeping around. I got serious about life or maybe a better way of saying it is that I got serious about loving people.
And then one day in highschool something occurred that would change my life forever. It would set me on a course of discovery that has eventually led me to where I am now. Leaving Evangelicalism.
The Very Beginning (LE Part 1)
Introduction
My earliest memory is of a mountain. I am in a car. I can hear my mothers voice. She is saying that a cop has caught her for speeding and that he is to close for her to outrun him. I know there are other people in the car as I can hear their voices but all I see are flashing lights and this mountain. I see a winding road that leads up and around it. The next memory is being in a boat, on the mountain, with my mother and someone else. We are going in a stream that leads into the mouth of a whale. Inside the whale is a small town. It is filled with voices. The town has little lights in the windows of the houses. That is my earliest memory. I was about a year old. For whatever reason that moment in my life became a memory. And perhaps, just perhaps, it stayed with me because that is the only moment that I have some aspect of a reflection of my father. Soon after that, as my mom tells the story, my father left us. He apparently was with us in the boat. I don't remember his voice or even hearing it. I never saw my father again.
And so metaphorically my memory of the assent up the mountain of life began.
My earliest memory is of a mountain. I am in a car. I can hear my mothers voice. She is saying that a cop has caught her for speeding and that he is to close for her to outrun him. I know there are other people in the car as I can hear their voices but all I see are flashing lights and this mountain. I see a winding road that leads up and around it. The next memory is being in a boat, on the mountain, with my mother and someone else. We are going in a stream that leads into the mouth of a whale. Inside the whale is a small town. It is filled with voices. The town has little lights in the windows of the houses. That is my earliest memory. I was about a year old. For whatever reason that moment in my life became a memory. And perhaps, just perhaps, it stayed with me because that is the only moment that I have some aspect of a reflection of my father. Soon after that, as my mom tells the story, my father left us. He apparently was with us in the boat. I don't remember his voice or even hearing it. I never saw my father again.
And so metaphorically my memory of the assent up the mountain of life began.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)