You are who you are.
I am who I am.
Names of God according to the Israelites. Yahweh they called him. But really its no name at all. Its just God saying I just am. I exist. I am who I am.
If I reflect on the past 17 year journey I see myself trying to fit in to what I perceive to be a better group, a more holistic community, of finding people that have 'made it' in life and get it. Towards the end of this 17 year adventure there is no treasure to be found. No one has made it.... and none of us really get it, whatever or whether there is something to get.
My one major regret on this journey is that I tried to cover up my past or rewrite it to fit in with a group of people. I tried my best to erase my history instead of embracing it and letting it guide me to better decisions and an integrity filled life.
All these years I tried to hide my son Alexandre. I tried to hide that I had made a poor decision in allowing Evelyne to keep me at bay in Alexandres life. I didn't fight to know him. I didn't go out of my way to meet him. I wrote a couple letters but really love would have got in a car and drove the 12 hours to Quebec to see him whether he wanted me to or not. That is what love would do. Love would show action. It would show commitment, responsibility, protection. It would be willing to humiliate itself just to get the point across that it exists for that person.
I loved being part of a community more then I loved god or my son.
And now 17 years later I am still at the beginning of a journey that i was suppose to start when I was 18. He doesn't view me as his father and that is okay. But perhaps in time he will say he came back to love me.
Love would oddly enough fight to make sure Alexandre knew that he is loved by his dad.
So Zane for 17 years has been someone he is not. He has allowed fear and status to be his guide. Now I will just be who I am not who people want me to be nor who people say I should be. I will just be.
I have a feeling this is going to be a bumpy road.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Overwhelmed
To write my perception of my reality is challenging. Even though this is a private blog I sometimes struggle with writing what I am about to write.
Some days I am depressed. I find it hard to function or to motivate myself. It feels like my brain is back in highschool when my life was a mess, when the stress was overwhelming. My stress keeps me on the brink of tears throughout the day. I can mask it, hide it, get past it but it has been lingering longer then what I would consider normal for me. I can laugh, still enjoy life but their it sits just waiting, until the laughter is gone, to stand up and walk forward.
I feel somewhat of a shame for allowing myself to entertain suicidal thoughts or excessive pessimism. I have fought for 17 years to overcome the pattern of thoughts that I can attribute to my upbrining and the circumstances that arose throughout my childhood and teenhood.
I had to fight every day to be positive, to be accepting of my situations, to stay focussed. I was and am convinced that I had a chemical imbalance caused by the excessive stress and abuse from my younger years and that I fought it and changed it.
And now it feels that in a very short period of time it has returned. The 'it' being hopelessness; helpless; scared; overwhelmed....; weak; lost. The 'it' somehow has just been waiting for its opportunity to return.
The stress: No job; Bills to be paid; Even with a job it has to pay min 40 grand; Selling home; the stress of last years infidelity still affecting my networks today; children;.... those are the stresses.
And as easy as it is for me to say, "But take joy in the journey..." Well, I am ready for a pause on the road. A resting spot. A job that will help me take care of my family or the house to sell and then a job or the lottery is won lol.
Anyway, writing helps. It takes it out of my head. But for some reason my head still feels odd. It feels heavy. It feels crowded. Blurred.
Marcia keeps having dreams about me and Ethan. Sometimes its just Ethan and other times its both of us. What I havnt said to her is what I see as the interpetation of those dreams. Everyone who sees Ethan says that he is the one who looks like me. He has the curly hair, the same smile, features etc. Ethan and I are pretty close because I had to spend time with him in the hospital for 3 days 24/7. We connected. Out off all the kids he has attached himself to me moreso then Marcia.
Well, in the dreams Marcia has had one where Ethan passed away. In another, she had a dream that Ethan and I were both in the hospital with IV's in our hands. I think the dream is representative of me being weak like a child. The death dream would be her concern that I am going to give up and she has no control to stop it.
I don't want to give up. I want to keep going. I want to see tomorrow. I want to see how my kids do in life. I want to watch them become people of character. I want them to make it. I dont want them to give up. I want them to have what I didn't, a family that worked at staying together.
I digress.
Some days I am depressed. I find it hard to function or to motivate myself. It feels like my brain is back in highschool when my life was a mess, when the stress was overwhelming. My stress keeps me on the brink of tears throughout the day. I can mask it, hide it, get past it but it has been lingering longer then what I would consider normal for me. I can laugh, still enjoy life but their it sits just waiting, until the laughter is gone, to stand up and walk forward.
I feel somewhat of a shame for allowing myself to entertain suicidal thoughts or excessive pessimism. I have fought for 17 years to overcome the pattern of thoughts that I can attribute to my upbrining and the circumstances that arose throughout my childhood and teenhood.
I had to fight every day to be positive, to be accepting of my situations, to stay focussed. I was and am convinced that I had a chemical imbalance caused by the excessive stress and abuse from my younger years and that I fought it and changed it.
And now it feels that in a very short period of time it has returned. The 'it' being hopelessness; helpless; scared; overwhelmed....; weak; lost. The 'it' somehow has just been waiting for its opportunity to return.
The stress: No job; Bills to be paid; Even with a job it has to pay min 40 grand; Selling home; the stress of last years infidelity still affecting my networks today; children;.... those are the stresses.
And as easy as it is for me to say, "But take joy in the journey..." Well, I am ready for a pause on the road. A resting spot. A job that will help me take care of my family or the house to sell and then a job or the lottery is won lol.
Anyway, writing helps. It takes it out of my head. But for some reason my head still feels odd. It feels heavy. It feels crowded. Blurred.
Marcia keeps having dreams about me and Ethan. Sometimes its just Ethan and other times its both of us. What I havnt said to her is what I see as the interpetation of those dreams. Everyone who sees Ethan says that he is the one who looks like me. He has the curly hair, the same smile, features etc. Ethan and I are pretty close because I had to spend time with him in the hospital for 3 days 24/7. We connected. Out off all the kids he has attached himself to me moreso then Marcia.
Well, in the dreams Marcia has had one where Ethan passed away. In another, she had a dream that Ethan and I were both in the hospital with IV's in our hands. I think the dream is representative of me being weak like a child. The death dream would be her concern that I am going to give up and she has no control to stop it.
I don't want to give up. I want to keep going. I want to see tomorrow. I want to see how my kids do in life. I want to watch them become people of character. I want them to make it. I dont want them to give up. I want them to have what I didn't, a family that worked at staying together.
I digress.
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