Building my own foundation

What did Jesus, Buddha and Nietszche have in common? They each tried to build their own foundation of thought. They questioned their perceived notions about the world, their cultural religion, and themselves.

They took the time to think through things instead of just believing and listening to everyone else around them. They made it a priority to work through the eternal questions instead of just believing what their forefathers said were the answers to those questions.

If there is any one major failure of all major religions of the world it is this one simple thing. Corporate religion has destroyed the need in people to seek out the answers with passion, conviction and humility. Corporate religion has taught that all answers can be found and have been found within our foundational thought processes and writings. Our forefathers figured it out and now we simply develop other ideas from their base presuppositions and conclusions on theology, philosophy, etc.

I don't want to be Martin Luther. I don't want to be Jesus Christ. I want to be Zane. Not because I want my name in history but for the soul purpose of having my own journey. I don't want the journey of my forefathers. I want my own journey. The only thing I want to glean from guys like Jesus and Buddha is their desire to be real and their desire to deconstruct the world idealogies in order to formulate better perspectives.

I don't believe there is anything wrong with having teachers, mentors, and spiritual guides in life. In fact I believe these are imperative to assisting in the development of that which may be necessary to start the holistic journey of discovery. But those guides need to teach us how to add, how to spell, how to use logic, how to speak etc. They do not need to teach us absolutes about theology or philosphy. The human mind is, through experience and thought, in my opinion, and for the most part, when taught the appropriate basic functions, capable of figuring out that which Jesus and Buddha figured out.

I also believe that community is a great way to assist in the development of views. As we dialogue people can assist in pointing out what seems to make sense and what doesn't.

Will write more later......

Goals?

I find it hard to find reason for owning a home apart from financial benefit. I could argue that it provides me a place for my family, friends and those in need and that works somewhat.

But I can easily rent a place and accomplish the same thing. I guess building equity for my childrens future is another. Future. Future consumerism. Future materialism. Future capitalism. Future.

I can envision owning land with a community of people who want to be free from corporate everything. I feel lost here, in this place. I feel strangled, I can't breathe right. I feel like I just don't fit and every day that goes by is another day that I feel myself burrowing back inside me.

My daughter has bunnies in a cage in her room. They don't belong there but they live there. They are fed. They are taken out each day to run around. They are placed back in the cage. I'm no different then those bunnies. I am stuck with no way out.

So where do I fit? I am living in my choices. This is the result of my choices. I chose to be a part of the corporate conspiracy we call democratic capitalism. I chose to go to bible college. I chose to marry my wife. I chose to have children. I chose to buy a house. I chose to be a part of the religious corporation. I chose to start a church. I chose to go into debt. I chose to have an affair. I chose to leave my family. I chose to come back to my family. I chose it and now I am living it.

So now I am responsible for my choices. I do love my family. I love my wife. I love my kids. But those are words.

I'm scared to go back to work. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to do something that has purpose. And not some purpose that I have to contrive in order to make it through a day. This isn't what it should be like. There is something broken. There is something that is just wrong about how we are living. It feels like I am insane when I am in the midst of this world's structure.

Deconstructionism

Today I was told that I have a tendency to deconstruct views (such as Christianity) but offer no alternative belief system to replace the one being deconstructed. At first I was about to get defensive but then I reflected on the comment. They are absolutely right. I don't offer an alternative because I am not sure if there is, can be, or will be an alternative.

Why does there have to be some ultimate religious claim that exists that separates humans from one another instead of uniting them? Why does there have to be an ultimate leader who tells everyone what to do and what is right and wrong? Why are we so afraid of things being unknown, not having all the answers, not knowing what will happen after we die? Why do these things terrify humans?

Why can't we as humans simply accept the seeming reality of mystery, unanswerable questions; the possibility that we are in fact on this earth alone with only one another to depend on; the possibility that even if God exists and cares about us that he may just be letting us make our own choices and decisions without interference. Or why can't people be okay with the possibility that he may exist and is involved in every persons daily life?

So many differing faith groups claim to have all the answers. They claim they have discovered truth. They claim they have figured out the other side of existence such as heaven, hell, nirvana, sheol etc. And yet it can all be deconstructed.

The only stance that I seem to take presently after having deconstructed my past beliefs is that for some reason love seems to be a possible foundational answer to social constructs, relationships, thoughts, and life in general. Beyond that one aspect of an idealogical position which would then branch into ethics, morality, etc. I really hold no other position with confidence.

I don't know if Jesus was actually divine. I don't know if Buddha was divine. I don't know if there is a hell. I don't know if the earth was created in seven days or a billion years. I just don't know. I can look at the proposed evidence and make what may appear to be reasonable conclusions but in the end I will have to still say... "I don't have all the evidence and thus my conclusions are reserved and only based on possibilites and probabilities and not on 100% innerant fact."

So perhaps rather then saying I am a moderate universalist I may fit more into the category of a deconstructionalist who based on his past views and experiences holds to the possibility of moderate universalism being a reasonable ocean for swimming.

The SHIT in the pulpit

Sigh.... the title says what I am thinking.

Save our Hearts... Save the World

Learn to love. Love changes the world. World saved.

The Intent of Giving

I am presently examining my intent in giving. I am performing a wedding soon and I am doing it for free. But I recently lost my credentials so I have to get someone else to sign the papers. That person requires 200 bucks to do it. Oddly enough I performed the same task for him and volunteered my services for free. The groom ended up paying me anyway but my intent was to give on behalf of my friend.

Now there is nothing wrong with what my friend has done in requesting money for his services. There are expenses such as gas and wear and tear on the car. So it only makes sense.

But for some reason I find myself never wanting to ask for money, oft times, even with people I don't know. Upon analyzing my feelings I think that I don't want them to think that I care more about money then I do about them. I don't want them to feel as if they are just a means to an end. I want them to feel special especially on a day when they are celebrating love.

And then there are times when I offer my services for free but deep down you are thinking, "I could really use the money right now to pay some bills so I hope they are able to give me something." But again never wanting to ask because I don't want them to feel less then money.

What is my intent when I message my friends to talk with them? What is my intent when I write this blog? What is my intent when I buy a house; buy a car; buy stainless steel appliances vs white; etc. etc. etc.?

Is intent what matters when performing an action? The action may benefit another even if the intent is self involved but for the one performing the action if the intent is selfish or not out of love then is the 'actor' doing some level of damage to themself?

Now, to clarify, I think if two parties are in agreement to exchange services that that is okay. I am not dealing with that issue in this post. I am dealing with false intent parading as love.

I think perhaps why the teachers Jesus and Buudha taught to give to those who can't give back is true charity because then, and only then, can we be more assured that our intent is really love. And again Jesus also taught to do it in secret so no one else knows. Why? Because then you can be more assured that it was out of love and not for self gain.

Now what about translating that action, of giving to those who cant give back, over to giving to anyone at any time. Perhaps if we identify with the feeling, mental state, thought processes associated with that act of giving we can replicate it when we try to give to others, even when we may see personal benefit from giving to them.

So I guess its time I start giving more, in secrecy, to those who cant give back anything to me so I can remember what those feelings and states of being are.

A Potential Embracing of Universalism

It is like I am standing on the waters edge having only dipped my toes into the river. I have experience evangelicalism for 17 years. In the first couple years I was open to a god that was involved in all cultures and all faiths but slowly that perspective was brow beat from my system of beliefs. To believe such a thing, evangelicals taught, was to deny Christ and his sacrifice. And only now over the past couple of years have I been moving back to and forward to the embracing of a god who is found everywhere that is not exclusive to Christianity. Thus, I am moving from the edge of the river and dipping my toes into a world that lifts the burden from my shoulders to defend and proseltyze a religious system that is archaic, illogical, arrogant, and that which causes dissension in the world.

I am now free to examine and search for answers and to love without false intent, or alterior motives. I am free to love for the sake of love. To love because forefathers such as Christ, Buddha, Ghandi, etc. learned that love is the answer and displayed that it really is something that can change the world.

I no longer have to believe that the evangelical canon is somehow the only legitimate canon. I no longer have to read any canon to find enlightenment. I can reflect, think, meditate, converse and if I choose I can read whatever I choose to read. I can read the Pali Canon and see if I can find truth within its pages. I can read books on Hinduism and seek out the truth of our universe in its pages. I can compile, rip apart, meditate and conclude that which differs from evangelicalism without spiritual recourse.

I am free to love. I am free to think. And now the journey begins to discovering further insights into a universe that contains many 'I''s or that I think contains many "I"'s. I am ready to go neck deep into the river.